Gemini: There is a trip in your future; could be a whirlwind mini-vacation, or you forgot to put away that long-handled rake after some yard work. Either way, you’ll need a few margaritas afterward.
Cancer: Fortune may favor the brave, but it’s permanently subscribed to the YouTube channels of the weird and awkward. Go ahead, be your bizarre self; you could earn a ‘Like’ from Karma.
Leo: Be patient: Good news is coming your way, it’s just riding on a skateboard with three wheels and being navigated by two chipmunks and a broken compass. They should find you by Friday.
Virgo: On Thursday, you’re like a toy speedboat that a toddler tried to flush down the toilet; the ride is rough, and you’re going in circles. Never fear, the Universe will fish you out, dry you off and keep you out of harm’s reach for a while.
Libra: A fool and his money are soon parted; that’s why it pays to stand underneath the twisty roller coaster. You’ll find plenty of loot to get you through the next few months, just watch out for upside-down kids with sensitive stomachs.
Scorpio: Someone curses you with the fleas of a thousand camels under your armpits, but you train those little bloodsuckers into the world’s tiniest daredevil troupe. Sure, it’s itchy taking them from gig to gig, but the cash is nice.
Sagittarius: Forget ‘to thine own self be true.’ Go ahead, lie to yourself, flatter your ego like it’s co-signing your home loan. You’ll feel great, and blowing that much smoke up your own bum will keep mosquitoes away.
Capricorn: Sometimes romance is like juggling while playing a tuba: You’re out of breath and can’t keep track of your hands. It’s fine if you need to step back, just be gentle if you drop all the balls and go home to watch ‘Matlock’ instead.
Aquarius: ‘Don’t look back’ sounds like great advice, except you have no idea where you parked when you exit the Walmart with 10 gallons of melting ice cream and zero spatial awareness. Yell “Marco!” until your sweetie yells “I’m over here, idiot!” That’s when you know it’s true love.
Pisces: Luck isn’t scoring a few bucks at the casino after you’ve emptied your wallet; it’s winning the jackpot when you didn’t even buy a ticket. Karma’s about to change your life for the better and all you have to do is hang on and look pretty for the paparazzi.
Aries: You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, mainly because of your overzealous neighbor with the flamethrower and water slide-worthy sprinkler system. Feel free to chat over the fence, but don’t get too close in that Mylar jacket, or you’ll be baked like a potato.
Taurus: Forget searching for a sweetie that walks in beauty like the night; you’ll do better with a temperamental hottie who stomps around like Godzilla looking for slow-moving pedestrians. You’ll always know where you stand with them, preferably out of the rubble zone.
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