LIBRA: Autumn is finally here, and you’re looking for somewhere cozy to be. Just stay away from that cat tower; it took three firemen luring you with a case of beer and a bag of Doritos to get you out of there last time.
SCORPIO: You’re not a shining star, but you do resemble one of those strange pulsing lights in the night sky. Feel free to call yourself a UFO this week, because you’re unusual, mysterious and a little scary in the dark.
SAGITTARIUS: If you can imagine the very best, it will show up on Wednesday. If you can’t, you’ll still get a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni and The Universe Home Game as a consolation prize.
CAPRICORN: Do at least three good deeds and you’ll show up on Karma’s radar. Keep hopping around and passing along the positive vibes, and maybe the Universe won’t sink your battleship.
AQUARIUS: Saturday night saw you three sheets to the wind, but now you’re tangled up like a homemade kite in a tree. Keep your bestie on speed dial, so they can shake you out and then show you all the embarrassing pics they took.
PISCES: You just want to stay in bed, but somebody is out there, waiting for your brilliance and wisdom. Grab the garden hose and spray them until they get off your lawn. Nobody’s getting your sage advice until you’ve had your coffee: That’s a wise lesson they can learn instantly.
ARIES: Things are going well for you this week. Like, really good. Suspiciously well. So wonderful, you’re nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop, and frankly, you’re expecting an entire Foot Locker to fall on your head. Enjoy!
TAURUS: Karma has been keeping you on your toes so much, you feel like the world’s hardest-working ballerina. At least you’re getting plenty of practice before that big number in Swan Lake, and you hardly ever fall into the audience any more.
GEMINI: Keep looking on the bright side, and you’ll never see where you’re going in a dark alley. Aim for a mediocre level of hope, enough to get you through without blinding yourself; stomp on some shins if needed, and you’ll be fine.
CANCER: Monday is like getting tased in an electric storm; you don’t know where that tingling sensation came from, but you kinda like it. Keep dragging your feet, and you’ll have that zappy feeling all week long.
LEO: Better luck is headed your way, but it’s bungee-strapped to a clown driving a scooter. You can either chase him down, or just throw out those police surplus spike strips. Either way, it’ll be great entertainment for the rest of us.
VIRGO: Sunday finds you in a pickle. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t the weirdest place you’ve woken up in lately. Things may seem sour, but it’s not a big dill; at least you can munch your way out of it.
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