Wisecrack Zodiac

Beth Bartlett

LIBRA: The Universe has been leaving hints for you, but you’ve been oblivious. Pay attention before it goes full Bill Engvall and says “Here’s Your Sign” before dropping some serious knowledge on your head.

SCORPIO: If it feels like Karma’s messing with you this week, you’re right. Hey, even cosmic powers get bored. Dodge the lightning, avoid elevators and work on that list of good deeds. It’ll wander off to poke someone else with a sharp stick and leave you alone.

SAGITTARIUS: Saturday is so awesome, you’ll want to take a picture to remember it by. If you can’t find a camera, sketch it out on paper, because this will be epic. How often do roller skating otters bring you gift cards and free pizza?

CAPRICORN: On Thursday, you’ll be like loose undies on a belly dancer: just trying to hang on and make it through the day. Once you get home, feel free to let everything drop and relax. Better days and tighter elastic are coming.

AQUARIUS: They say you should work smarter, not harder. An opportunity is coming your way that’s dumb and easy; grab it and collect those ridiculously large paychecks. You’ve earned it.

PISCES: Creativity is like the ocean; sometimes the tide’s in, sometimes it’s out, but there’s always something cool to pick up along the way. Thanks to a few profitable brainstorms this week, life is a beach.

ARIES: You have stars in your eyes, which makes it difficult to see oncoming traffic. Turn down that optimism a few degrees; not only will your vision improve, but you’re less likely to be threatened by your surly coworkers.

TAURUS: Sure, you know what you want in life, but you have no idea what to make for dinner. Use the same idea for both, and give whirled peas a chance. It’s all vegan, unless you have a beef with someone.

GEMINI: All signs point to ‘Yes’ on that one big question keeping you up at night. But can you really trust that Magic 8-Ball? Ramp up the spooky factor with that dusty old Ouija board in the attic. Consider your haunting a ‘meet-cute’ with that sexy paranormal investigator.

CANCER: Someone’s showing up and showing out, and they’re hogging your spotlight. Get out there and show off your own talents; people’s jaws will drop once they watch what you can do with a twirling baton and three pounds of cold cuts.

LEO: If you can’t dazzle ’em with brilliance, baffle ’em with bullcrap. If that fails too, read to them from a 300-page instruction manual for a combo 8-track player and banana bread machine. Everyone will leave you alone after that, so you can finally get some work done.

VIRGO: When you can’t find the beauty in every moment, look for the weird. Did three ants just drag a full-size banana past you while singing “I Want It That Way?” That’s far more interesting than spotting a rose in someone’s yard.