Wisecrack Zodiac

Beth Bartlett

LEO: Joy eludes you like a dog who just stole a steak off the grill. You’ll get it back, but it’s probably going to be covered in dirt, grass and Fido slobber. Thankfully, the five-second rule means it’ll be fine.

VIRGO: Saturday morning brings a basket full of deep questions, like “Who am I?” and “How did I get an e-bike up that tree?” What you really should ask is “How did I party so hard that I didn’t notice someone painting my behind bright yellow?” That’s the puzzler.

LIBRA: Do what you want to do on Monday, just do it with the full-bodied confidence of a toddler about to learn a very important lesson. Your peer group may not believe in spanking, but the Universe certainly does.

SCORPIO: Life has become so cluttered, even the road less traveled has AirBnBs on it these days. Get away from the noise and find a quiet, secluded spot to meditate on life, the Universe, and everything. After that, feel free to catch up on your Apple TV shows while no one knows where you are.

SAGITTARIUS: Good news is working its way to you, but it stopped by a diner for some pie, and then it needs to swing by Dollar General. It’ll get to you after it uses that Saturday coupon on toilet paper.

CAPRICORN: Some life lessons are earned, others are free of charge. On Monday, you’ll learn a big one just by standing too close to your favorite idiotic friend. Bring a rain slicker and bail money.

AQUARIUS: It’s not the calm before the storm that freaks you out; it’s the tree limb spearing your car like a metal shish kebob. On the bright side, now you can stick your feet through the floor and pretend you’re Fred Flintstone.

PISCES: Creativity sticks to you like a sweater without a dryer sheet; rub it all over you until the static tickles you with some awesome, hair-raising ideas, then happily zap everyone around with your brilliance.

ARIES: No one expects you to be the best, but you do need to put in a little effort. Even the tiniest air of confidence will be a refreshing breeze to everyone around you this week.

TAURUS: Your get-up-and-go has got up and went, but at least it left a note this time. With any luck, it’ll send you a few scenic postcards before it finally trudges home, hung over and tattooed. Enjoy the new sense of determination, but whatever you do, don’t look through its phone.

GEMINI: Destiny is what happens to other people, but you’re gifted with sheer blind luck. Enjoy the karmic rewards; having your dreams come true accidentally is great, but the real perk is the white cane and dark glasses.

CANCER: For some, beauty is skin-deep, for others, ugly goes clear to the bone, but confusion is practically etched on your soul. That puzzled look is working for you; everyone wants to be the hero helping you out on Thursday.