Pisces: This is your week. Not only does it have your name on it, but you also licked it when no one was looking, so it definitely belongs to you. Enjoy every glorious bit of it, especially Tuesday.
Aries: Succeeding in business is like training a monkey: Crap will be thrown at you, but as long as you aren’t bitten by someone in accounting, it’ll be a good day. Keep wet wipes and Band-Aids handy on Tuesday.
Taurus: You have the right stuff, it’s just all in the wrong places. Remember how to shimmy? Practice it just to see where your body jiggles the most. People may not be excited, but they will be oddly fascinated.
Gemini: Monday finds you between a rock and a hard place. Karma thinks it’s punishment, but you see it as a quiet vacation where no one will bother you. Pop out a tent and set up camp for a few quiet days until the Universe catches on.
Cancer: Your co-workers may say you’re a few bricks shy of a load, but only you know that you’ve got one brick stuffed in a sock, and you’re ready to swing it in full helicopter mode if they cross you. Just stay away from the boss’ car, because you don’t have that much insurance.
Leo: Fortune favors the brave, but what it really loves is someone who can make it laugh. Dig out your best Dad jokes; the Universe dumps a lot of good luck on those who make it snort coffee out of its nose.
Virgo: Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug, but on Wednesday you’re that one crazed, wobbly brush in the automatic car wash who’s finally had it with all the dead insects in its bristles. At least your revenge will be hilarious on YouTube.
Libra: The difference between right and wrong depends on who’s looking. But on Friday, not even Karma wants to see what you’re up to, so close the blinds and make sure all those hedgehogs are wearing bikinis before you teach them to pole dance.
Scorpio: Your last nerve has had such a workout lately, it has biceps and buns of steel. Things will be so quiet this week, that nerve heads out and gets a job as a bouncer at a seedy bar. Hey, at least it’s bringing home a paycheck.
Sagittarius: Just when you think it’s safe to run away from your problems, they all get tiny track shoes. Do a sprint and dodge around some convenient quicksand; every 1970s kid knows that’ll work.
Capricorn: Good news is coming to you, but it’s riding a rickety unicycle through heavy traffic. You can either watch it play real-life Frogger, or paint a crosswalk and help it out.
Aquarius: Sunday is about as comforting as hot sauce on a cold sore; you may scream, but you’ll be fine after sticking your face in a tub of ice cream. Splurge on the good stuff, you deserve it.
