Aries: Tuesday puts you down for the count, but luckily your sweetie’s cologne is Eau de Smelling Salts. With that honey in your corner, you may fall and see pink elephants in tutus, but you’ll never lose.
Taurus: Life is what happens when you’re waiting for the next big thing. Enjoy the wonders of the little moments when you can, because the big stuff will just tape a “Kick Me” sign to your back and run off laughing.
Gemini: The Twins may be double the trouble but not twice the fun when one of your personalities decides to do a Kardashian drama overhaul. You won’t be fit for humanity, but you will be perfect for reality TV, so make that money while you can.
Cancer: Everything goes your way on Wednesday, which is fine when it’s good fortune, but not so great when it’s spring season traffic. Give everyone a friendly wave, but not with that finger.
Leo: Karma has a lesson plan for you, but you refuse to open the textbook. Grab a pencil, hunker down and do the work; you might even score some extra credit for realizing what a blockhead you’ve been lately.
Virgo: Don’t worry, brighter days are coming, even if you have to haul around that 40-gajillion watt spotlight yourself. Remember, lift with your legs, or just hitch a trailer to your e-bike. Shine that light on anyone who needs it, or people in desperate need of an instant tan.
Libra: Someone tries to give you the third degree, but you slap them back with a savage hypotenuse. Sure, they may have more friends than you, but you have 87 more degrees than they do and that one weird math nerd pal who just snorted milk out of his nose. So there.
Scorpio: Thursday is looking really good right now, like it got a makeover, some Daisy Duke shorts and a million-dollar inheritance. Sidle up for some sweet talk and make the rest of the days jealous.
Sagittarius: You receive a blast from the past, but it’s not a gentle breeze wafting through the daisies. It’s a full-on, flatulence-filled wind from someone you thought was gone forever. Hold your breath until they blow out of town.
Capricorn: On Tuesday, you’re like a squirrel in a tiny suit; cute as can be, but very bitey. If someone bothers you, feel free to run up their pants leg, sink your teeth in, and then run away to find some quality nuts.
Aquarius: You make the world a better place just by being in it, but that interpretive dance you’re doing to Yoko Ono’s version of FunkyTown is delicious icing on the weird Eureka cake. Keep on being your beautiful, bizarre self.
Pisces: The best things in life are free, but the stuff you want is pricey. Grab a big grocery bag, head outside and stand right over there; your financial windfall is hurtling toward you from the heavens this week.
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