Wisecrack Zodiac, March 12, 2026

Pisces: Just as you get with the program, someone changes the channel. Go ahead, start your own network; you’re far more interesting than all the reality TV on the screen because your family has weirder characters.

Aries: You think you’ve seen it all and done it all, but the Universe is about to surprise you. Get ready for at least three new emotions and two bizarre opinions about rutabagas that take root in your brain on Thursday.

Taurus: Some things are inevitable, like sand in your bathing suit. Disregard the naysayers who claim it should be colder since it’s still March; just work on your tan until the next thundersleet whirlwind incident blows through, and you’ll be the coolest one in the tornado shelter.

Gemini: You’ve had your eye on that special goal, but don’t get too handsy with it just yet; Karma wants to know your intentions before it lets you drive off with something important. Be polite, charming, and remember to completely erase your browser history. You know why.

Cancer: Tuesday gives you a chance to swing for the big leagues, but you only know how to bowl. Don’t worry, you’ll still score as long as you have the right balls.

Leo: This week hits you like an avalanche. Stay positive: It could be a landslide of cash, or a sudden deluge of super-rare Beanie Babies stuffed with jewels. It’s definitely not a mudslide of crap filled with angry crabs. Definitely not. Maybe.

Virgo: Be brave, because your sweetie has a gleam in their eye, two dozen weird recipes copied from TikTok, and a phone trained on you for reaction shots. Smile and make your honey happy; they don’t need to know about the frozen pizza stash in the garage.

Libra: Forget what the old-timers say; go ahead and take some wooden nickels. If you save enough of them, you’ll have a cute wood shingle roof to top off your charming tiny house. It may not be weather-proof or sensible, but it’ll be Eureka’s hottest new B&B.

Scorpio: Sometimes opportunities buzz around your head, and other times they’re all coughing and twitching at your feet. Quit using mosquito spray for cologne, and you’ll be able to take better advantage of them.

Sagittarius: Sure, it’s good to stay on the straight and narrow road, but you need some adventure, too. Try something exciting on Monday, and make your soul path look like a crazy straw in a yoga class. You win if you make the Universe say “How’d they even DO that?”

Capricorn: For every step forward this week, you fall three steps back, stumble and then slide to the left. You’re not making much progress, but you are starting a viral new dance craze.

Aquarius: The sun shines on your every step, but you forgot your sunscreen. Grab a new bottle and an awesome hat, so you can enjoy that gorgeous complexion while all the good fortune heads your way.