Aries: Sure, you may have your life all together, but it looks more like a 4-year-old’s collage than the refined masterpiece you imagined. Embrace the mess: Add some glitter and gold-painted macaroni for the full effect.
Taurus: This week, you’re lucky in love, so pucker up and have that Chapstick ready. Don’t take too long, though, or that line of potential sweeties outside your door may start comparing notes and move on.
Gemini: It’s time to dig deep and develop your soul. Forget using your hands; you’ll need a pickaxe to pry your way through that layer of flint rock and regret. Keep going, and you might find a cool geode, some old coins and that embarrassing memory from when you were 12 years old.
Cancer: Some thoughts are wise, profound and life-changing, but the weird notions you’re having on Thursday are a good reason to switch your Facebook profile to ‘private’ for a while. No one needs to know your opinions while you’re hopped up on fermented bean sprouts.
Leo: The Universe throws you a lucky break on Friday, although it may feel like a pie to the face. Nothing personal, Karma’s just really into old Vaudeville movies lately. Wipe off the whipped cream and take a bow.
Virgo: Chasing get-rich-quick schemes may not bring you money, but all that running has been fabulous for your figure. Capitalize on that, and you’ll have suckers lined up for your fitness regimen in no time.
Libra: Into every life some rain must fall, but you’re determined to take a shower under a crushing waterfall during monsoon season. Take off those itchy, woolen swim trunks, dry off and quit making a bad situation worse.
Scorpio: Smile, and the world smiles with you. Laugh hysterically while watching “Sophie’s Choice” at the movie theater, and you’ll be hogtied near the popcorn machine until the cops arrive. All in all, not your worst Saturday night, but you could do better.
Sagittarius: New adventures await, but you’ve slammed the door and ignored them. Go ahead and get in while they’re still idling in the driveway at 2 a.m. Even if you don’t have fun, the neighborhood gossip will be golden.
Capricorn: Lately, you’ve been about as stable as a squirrel with a chainsaw, but things will calm down for you on Tuesday. Mainly because the authorities took your nuts and the chainsaw away. Don’t worry, your revenge will inspire at least two podcasts and three Netflix series.
Aquarius: Life isn’t a cabaret; it’s more of a photo booth stuffed full of spray cheese and mad gerbils. It’s not easy, but if you’re getting through it with a snack and some crazy little friends, you’re doing OK.
Pisces: Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those who complain, but the excellent, top-tier stuff comes to those who made friends with the receptionist at Karma’s front desk. Rejoice, because all those gossipy lunches and gift baskets are about to pay off.
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