Wisecrack Zodiac

Gemini: The muse strikes on Wednesday when you scrawl your opinions in fluorescent chalk on the side of a local landmark. Putting them in limerick form is hilarious, but you should thank the Universe for erasing your signature with a sudden downpour.

Cancer: You have a brilliant idea for a new business, but how will you teach 200 crawdads to hold the tiny pom-poms while they cheer? Invest in the uniforms and see how it goes; you could be the biggest thing in crustacean-themed gender reveal parties this year.

Leo: Thursday brings either one very big opportunity, or three aspiring projects stacked on each other like raccoons in a trench coat. Offer it a cookie; your goals could be on a sugar rush to success or you may just have a few new pets.

Virgo: Karma thinks you need a wake-up call; set your own gentle alarm and get busy before Destiny hot-wires a full-fledged choir of train whistles to your nether regions. Not because it’s painful, but you might be strangely into it after a few days.

Libra: Every dog has its day, but that hound of yours is mugging for the camera like it’s auditioning for The Masked Singer. Let it loose to howl on Instagram; you’ve done weirder things for a paycheck.

Scorpio: Sometimes Karma just pokes you like a kid with a stick who found a worm: It wants to see what you’ll do. Grab that stick and poke it right back; it’s not enlightened, but man, it does feel good.

Sagittarius: Thinking about dating again feels like watching a millipede do yoga: you’re not sure where all the arms and legs go. Wednesday brings you a sweetie the way you like it: more flirting, less sweating.

Capricorn: Your career is so laughable lately, it could win on America’s Funniest Videos. Give your most bizarre idea a try, because ridiculousness pays better than whatever you’re doing now.

Aquarius: You’re tooting your own horn, and not just because you ate too much at the chili cook-off. Be loud, be proud, but try to stay downwind if your personal symphony goes full Tchaikovsky 1812 Overture on everyone.

Pisces: Waiting for a wormhole to open up into a shiny new reality is fine, but you can also shut off the Internet for a few days and enjoy your own little world for a while. And if you make any progress on that wormhole thing, let us all know.

Aries: Quit living a life of quiet despair; make that despair loud and annoying with an accordion and knee cymbals. It’s enough racket to raise the dead, and then you can tell Great Aunt Eloise what you really thought of her crabapple-garlic pie recipe.

Taurus: Go ahead, get deeply weird. Recite poetry in the park while breakdancing in a wetsuit, or cultivate the world’s first talking Venus Flytrap plant, but remember to have one designated friend to reel you in before you get into a clown car chase with the cops.