Wisecrack Zodiac

Gemini: Something big is headed your direction. Could be a massively large opportunity, or that full-size steamroller your boss couldn’t resist in the Sharper Image catalog. Either way, watch your step and you won’t fall flat.

Cancer: Forget about healing that inner child; you’ll wind up your inner Tasmanian Devil and let it loose by the photocopier at 4 p.m. on a Friday. You’ll be too busy apologizing on Monday to worry about spiritual navel-gazing.

Leo: Sometimes inspiration flows like a brisk mountain stream. Other times, it splutters like a chocolate fountain surrounded by unsupervised children in a hotel lobby. Know when to back away, and you’ll avoid several gross situations on Thursday.

Virgo: Any situation is easy if you don’t think about it. Flip a coin to solve that weighty decision hanging over your head. If you choose poorly, at least the resulting body cast means you can board the trolley before anyone else gets on.

Libra: Yes, reality is your playground, but you should think twice before wearing shorts and then attempting to go down that long metal slide on a sunny day. But go ahead if you must. That’s what we call a “cosmic life lesson.” And the scorch marks will eventually heal.

Scorpio: You told a goofy joke that made even Karma smile. Remember the one about the squirrel, the motor scooter and the linguine? Expect something equally fun on Tuesday, like a few vengeful exes getting trapped on flypaper and being embarrassed on national news.

Sagittarius: The light from stars that are millions of miles away has shone on you at your darkest moment, proving you’re never alone. So you might want to close the drapes while working out to that nude Jazzercise DVD.

Capricorn: You have seven fantastic ideas before breakfast, but you also have the memory skills of a goldfish. Become one of those annoying people who record notes on their phone; you’ll be less irritating after a million-dollar-notion hits you.

Aquarius: You’re awesomeness wrapped in vintage cool and duct-taped shut with sublime excellence. On Sunday, you find the perfect sweetie to unwrap your package. Take it slow; that tape stings when it’s yanked off.

Pisces: Find joy in the little things, like scoring a free drink or digging through your wallet and discovering a jackpot-winning lottery ticket. Only the latter will make you giggle hysterically and buy a remote castle, but the other is good too.

Aries: The only time you should let the fur fly is when you’re shaving your legs for bikini season. Tame that inner Sasquatch and bare your soul to the hottie that’s vexing you. Your week will be silky smooth after that.

Taurus: Old-timers say to ‘dance with the one that brung ya,’ but your week is hobbling along with two stepped-on toes, one shin splint and a nasty blister from those shoes. Skip the fancy moves; you’ll get what you want from the Universe after a well-timed “U up?” text.