Wisecrack Zodiac

Taurus: Just because Monday challenges you to a duel doesn’t mean you take up pistols at dawn. Just put in your best effort and work it out, unless you can get it to agree to a “winner-take-all” competition in Mario Kart.

Gemini: A lie can race around the world before the truth can find its flipflops under the bed, but the story you’re telling on Wednesday puts them both to shame. Karma isn’t happy, but is kinda impressed.

Cancer: Someone has plans for you; they’re not blueprints for success, but they may be hastily drawn in crayon on a smudged restaurant placemat. Smile, back away, and run for the door before you’re in Toledo selling sparkly jumpsuits to Capuchin monkey Elvis impersonators.

Leo: You may roar on the outside, but inside you’re like an adorable kitten looking for belly rubs, and anyone who’s tickled a kitty tummy knows that’s far more dangerous. Don’t be surprised when your sweetie wears oven mitts for the next few nights.

Virgo: Good luck could shower down on you this Friday, or it may just fall on you like a bathtub of Jell-O. You may be bruised and a little jumpy, but completely covered in cherry-flavored fortune.

Libra: A blast from your past shows up on Saturday, but all those awkward memories just make you want to get back to the future. Stand outside your house and wait for lightning: A DeLorean will swoop down any day now.

Scorpio: That great idea you had about designing lingerie for full-bodied chickens isn’t nearly as awesome as the brainstorm that strikes you on Tuesday. It’s bold, brilliant and no one will ever look at line-dancing anteaters the same way ever again.

Sagittarius: The Universe has a special surprise cooked up for you this week; even if you don’t like it, say thank you and try a few bites without making a face. Karma could just be testing your manners before it brings out the really good stuff.

Capricorn: If you keep your eyes on the prize, your ears to the ground and reach for the stars, you’ll create a brand-new yoga pose. Ignore the cramps in your extremities and enjoy your new career as a fitness influencer.

Aquarius: You’ve been about as pleasant as an elephant with a hangnail lately, but Friday is bringing you a giant pedicure kit and some really juicy gossip. Stick out those massive feet and get ready for the good stuff.

Pisces: You can’t be spiritual all the time. Occasionally you need to see two idiots mud-wrestling in a parking lot over a bag of hot honey pork rinds. Enjoy the show on Monday; laughter is just as good as inner peace.

Aries: You have the social graces of a pterodactyl, but you also have the speed as well. That means when you inevitably embarrass yourself or bite someone, you can quickly make your escape. Until the T. Rex of HR finds you, of course.