SCORPIO: One situation goes right on Wednesday, but most of them go left, and one does a complete four-leaf clover before parking on your azaleas. Grab that sexy cop costume from Halloween and direct all the drama away from you; bonus points if you blow a whistle and scare the neighbors.
SAGITTARIUS: Something good comes your way this week, just because Destiny had a wonderful spa appointment and is feeling mellow. Enjoy the positive vibes, and set out some comfy slippers for Karma; kindness is always the perfect fit.
CAPRICORN: Go ahead, tackle that project you’ve kept on the back burner for so long. It may be a little crispy, but scrape off the blackened bits, add some butter and honey, and it’ll be good as new.
AQUARIUS: Every day is a new opportunity to be awesome, except for Friday. That day has some weird twists to it, and the rest of the week kicked it out of the group chat. Wait for Saturday; it knows how to be cool.
PISCES: It’s OK if your thoughts are tangled worse than three octopuses playing Twister; inspiration doesn’t always follow the straight and narrow path. Put your left foot on blue, your right hand on yellow, and have some fun for a change.
ARIES: Everyone believes you have hidden depths, but you’re shallow as a mud puddle in July. Baffle them with bullfeathers, then stay quiet the rest of the time. You’ll have a promotion and a new office by December.
TAURUS: Your emotional state is so overwrought, even your buddy ChatGPT is tapping out. Do something joyful: Sit by the Post Office and judge people’s outfits until you feel better about your life choices.
GEMINI: Overall, life is beautiful; it’s just some particular moments that are ugly ducklings. Expect a few to quack your way on Thursday and invest in a pooper scooper; they’ll leave a few unwanted gifts on the carpet.
CANCER: Tuesday brings a half-dozen challenges, but luckily the box was already open and they’ve gone stale. Toss them out like the boss you are, and rejoice at having some clean space on your mental shelf.
LEO: If at first you don’t succeed, try it again, attempt it once more from the other side, then pull the directions out of the box and finally do it the right way. Your sweetie won’t say a word, but they’ll be smirking for days.
VIRGO: You may think you’re bored, but it’s nothing that three giraffes in banana costumes can’t fix. Once you get the choreography worked out, that dance routine will send you all straight to Vegas. Teach one of them how to drive a U-Haul, and you’ll be on your way.
LIBRA: Not all of your thoughts are winners, but a few will grab the ribbon for Miss Congeniality. Strut them through the office, give the boss a nice little speech about penguins for world peace, and you’ll be left alone for a while.
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