Wisecrack Zodiac

Aries: You’re not tiptoeing through the tulips on Monday, but you are stomping through the poison ivy like Godzilla in combat boots. The upside is you’re so intimidating, even the nastiest plants or people aren’t brave enough to tangle with you.

Taurus: Sunday is a roller coaster, but you only bought a ticket for the merry-go-round. Strap in, hang on and hope that at least there’s a sugar-dusted funnel cake waiting for you at the end.

Gemini: With great power comes great responsibility, but you have neither. Trouble is brewing at work, but your reputation of being invisible will actually save you from ending up in hot water, mainly because the boss forgets that you work there.

Cancer: You do a good deed at work on Wednesday, but it haunts you for weeks because you accidentally ended that call from your boss with “Love you, Mommy!” We’d say you’ll get over it, but honestly, you may have to change jobs to recover.

Leo: Sure, you’re all that and a bag of chips, but both you and those chips may be getting a little stale. Switch up and become all that and a dish of hummus: That way, you’re good for everyone.

Virgo: Meditation may not show you the Stairway to Heaven, but it will spotlight a corner of the Universe with an unlocked door to Shambala. Go for it! Everyone is helpful, everyone is kind; plus, they throw the best parties.

Libra: On Wednesday, a sudden gust of wind tangles a rogue bread sack and two unsecured yard decorations into your hair. By Friday, you’re selling that look for big money on TikTok, you fashion plate.

Scorpio: Fear not, you’re just one short hop, two long jumps and five cartwheels away from an exciting new career. Is it as a middle-school P.E. coach, someone who spins a giant arrow sign outside a business, or a yoga instructor with a loose lizard in your leotard? Find out Thursday.

Sagittarius: This week isn’t a bad week, it’s just not properly trained. Put some newspaper down, have lots of treats and get ready to tell it that it’s a good boy when it does what you want it to do.

Capricorn: Some days are calm and serene, and other days have you dancing barefoot through a carpet full of Lego bricks. You’ll get a bit of both this week, so channel your inner Michael Flatley and Riverdance your way through Friday.

Aquarius: You’ve got a fantastic idea for a new business, but how will you get those disco costumes on a dozen muscular kangaroos? If you’re determined to do something dangerous and terrifying, try taking phones away from teenagers.

Pisces: A jackpot is heading your way; could be a free muffin at the church bake sale, or that Powerball win finally coming through. If it’s the latter, go back and buy muffins for everyone before you sail away on your snazzy superyacht.