Wisecrack Zodiac

Beth Bartlett

Virgo: In a world devoid of whimsy, you’re packing enough fanciful energy to make any lifestyle coach squeal with glee. Spread your happiness far and wide on Friday, and be ready to dodge rotten fruit, flying staplers and the occasional water balloon.

Libra: Tragedy strikes this week when your entire flea circus is struck down by a routine fumigation at the venue. Keep a stiff upper lip, get some medicated spray for all those tiny bites, and know that something better is coming, like water buffalo juggling.

Scorpio: Some amazing luck is trying to find you, but the Universe gave it the wrong address. Wear an orange safety vest, some thigh-high waterproof work boots, and nothing else while you dance in the front yard. It’ll spot you.

Sagittarius: Not every karmic blessing is a perfect fit; you can politely return it, or get out some spandex and rhinestones and make it your own. Add in a Dolly Parton wig, and you’ll make all the angels smile.

Capricorn: The problem with life lessons is that the test usually comes first. You can’t study for everything, so just grab the CliffsNotes on being a decent human. That should cover you for Saturday.

Aquarius: When some people come to a fork in the road, they choose a direction. You, however, grab that fork and whip out some ramen noodles from your backpack for an impromptu lunch. Enjoy the path less taken and don’t forget the flavor packet.

Pisces: Indecision has grown from a snag that trips you across the carpet to a gnarly monster that traps you in the room. Grab a machete, make some moves, and you’ll soon see the light of day again.

Aries: You’ve lost the spark in your soul, and not even a fully refueled Zippo can bring it back. Don’t worry, someone’s been carrying a torch for you, and they’re about to set your heart alight. Wear your asbestos shorts.

Taurus: On Tuesday you’re all out of luck, love and common sense, but at least you have basic cable TV to depress you even further. Get out of the house and explore the neighborhood before Karma kicks you out for a character-building adventure.

Gemini: Usually the two halves of your mind get along, but this Thursday they act like squirrels hopped up on Red Bull, Pixy Stix and reality television. Sit down for some meditation time or you’ll be wearing a special ‘get along’ shirt that buckles in the back.

Cancer: All signs point to ‘yes,’ but you’re still not sure what the question is. Forget the Magic 8-Ball and just wear the weirdest outfit in your closet. You’ll have dozens of questions from your co-workers to choose from, and a few uncomfortable ones from your boss.

Leo: Some people shine bright like a diamond, but you shine like a herd of blinding LED headlights. You don’t have to tone down your mood, just point that eye-watering power at someone who deserves it.