Zodiac
Aries: The world can be a beautiful place, especially when you know where all the bathrooms are. Your talent for sniffing out a Port-O-Potty during the first-grade field trip will make you a hero, but not gagging when you open that door will make you a legend.
Taurus: With the wind at your back, you’re a fast-moving target for success. It might have found you, too, if you hadn’t greased up those roller skates. Next time, slow your roll.
Gemini: You’re not a fish out of water, you’re more like a barracuda in the bathtub; no one knows how you got there, but you’re definitely making a splash. Head out to deeper waters before someone buys a Costco-worthy amount of tartar sauce.
Cancer: A better day is heading your way. When it arrives, let the air out of its tires, make it some dinner and fix up the guest room. Hopefully you’ll keep it around for a week or more before it finally eases on down the road.
Leo: Some rules are carved in stone, and others are spelled out in Silly Putty. Give those guidelines a good slap to see how firm they are before you start bringing in the heavy equipment to get things done. You won’t need the jackhammer, but it’ll still be fun.
Virgo: Your goal is just out of reach; you can get frustrated and quit, or be smart and train three determined monkeys with grabber tools to snatch up success, loose change and anything else that isn’t locked down.
Libra: Go outside, take a few deep breaths and center yourself. Now you have a 360-degree view of all your neighbors’ drama, and you can forget your own problems for a while. Bring some beer and snacks to make it a perfect day.
Scorpio: You used to howl at the moon. Now, you just grumble at the engine light in your car. Time to get a little wild; eat a box of Slim Jims without checking to see if there’s antacids in the medicine cabinet.
Sagittar ius: Don’t laugh in the face of others’ mistakes; record them on your phone, then upload it to the Internet so everyone else can have a chuckle. But be careful; if you hear snickers, someone else is livestreaming you.
Capricorn: Someone asks you about a roll in the hay, and all you can think of is your allergies. Stock up on allergy meds and go for a quick shimmy in the tall grass. At least you’ll have somewhere soft to land when that Benadryl kicks in.
Aquarius: Karma doesn’t always send you a gold-edged invitation to greatness; sometimes it just scrawls a note in Sharpie across your left butt cheek. Quit running in circles to read it, and you’ll see the path forward.
Pisces: Wednesday feels like you’re in a MacGyver episode without a paperclip. Don’t worry, you’ll find everything you need to save the day and still have time to show off that magnificent mullet.
