AQUARIUS: Let a smile be your umbrella, a sharp word be your hunting knife, and that gaseous cloud you just emitted will serve you well as a general burglar alarm. You’ll know it’s working by the screaming and coughing.
PISCES: Good fortune, health and luck are a sure thing for you, so leave the fourleaf clovers alone and quit crossing your fingers. That makes it easier to endorse those nice big checks from the Universe coming your way.
ARIES: Not only is your mouth writing checks your body can’t cash, it’s about to overdraw on your soul as well. Keep your opinions to yourself this week, unless you enjoy doing stupid human tricks for spare change.
TAURUS: Finders keepers, losers weepers, unless you count your miserable ex, those last 10 pounds or that scaly foot condition you’ve had since last summer. Celebrate, because some things are better off staying lost.
GEMINI: Some things you’re better off not knowing, like how many cockroaches are running around that dive restaurant, or how well your sworn enemy from high school is doing. Basically, stay away from Facebook for a while.
CANCER: Moonlight becomes you. No, really, it stole your identity and is living it up on your credit cards. Change all your passwords and tell the Universe to get that space rock in line before it starts signing you up for embarrassing catalogs.
LEO: Those who say you’re all bark and no bite will run away with your teeth marks on their tush after Wednesday. That’ll teach them to steal your favorite coffee mug and use it to refill their windshield wiper fluid. Honestly, though, that might improve the coffee at the office.
VIRGO: A major opportunity is heading your way on Tuesday, but you’re holding out for a general happenstance. Don’t pull rank on good fortune but if you want the really good stuff with no questions asked, ask for the E-4 mafia of the Universe.
LIBRA: You’re usually first across the finish line, but this week you barely make it before they sweep up and turn off the lights. Take some time and recharge with a beer and your sweetie; you’ll be up to speed in no time.
SCORPIO: There’s nothing wrong with you that a million dollars couldn’t fix. If you can’t get that, try a xylophone, three parrots who know opera, and a YouTube channel. You’ll be rolling in the dough before you know it.
SAGITTARIUS: The world is your oyster on Friday, but you’ve never really been into seafood. Wait until Saturday and the world will be your deep-fried Twinkie: rich, filling, and yet deliciously dangerous.
CAPRICORN: Laugh, and the world laughs with you, mainly because they can see your pants from the back. Time to treat yourself with a new wardrobe; just avoid the online bargain threads that dissolve in the rain unless you want to give everyone a whole new reason to chuckle.
