Leo: Don’t linger in parking lots this week; the squirrels are orchestrating a coup, and they see you as a tempting target. Stay low, move fast, and keep your pants taped shut at the ankles. Otherwise they’ll scamper up your leg and run laps in your tighty-whities.
Virgo: You can do the right thing, the weird thing, or the wild thing on Monday. Only one of these will score you a raise at work, so choose carefully and don’t make the people in Human Resources sigh heavily whenever they see you.
Libra: Some days you’re three possums in a trench coat, other days you’re a pile of raccoons in a rain poncho. This Saturday, you’ll be more like five penguins and a wombat in a bikini, so plan accordingly.
Scorpio: Good fortune comes wrapped in a bad situation this week. Hold your nose and work your way through the crappy coating; you’ll soon reach the excellent, prize-filled center.
Sagittar ius: Not everyone is out to get you. Honestly, there’s probably around three you should watch, and none of them could out-think a defunct parking meter. Spray them with a water bottle if they get too close, and you’ll be fine.
Capricorn: Your sweetie has a new cookbook and a gleam in their eye; be prepared to smile and chow down on Beef Cherries Jubilee and Gummy Bear Delight. Thank goodness you have a bag of drive-thru burgers stashed in your truck.
Aquarius: People want you to walk the straight and narrow line, but you’re more likely to disco dance along your own tie-dyed, curvy path. Grab those glittering platform shoes, because you’re about to ease on down the road to fame, fortune and polyester-covered success.
Pisces: A fool and his money are soon parted, and it has nothing to do with you hiding in the shadows with a rubber mallet. The Universe sees everything, but it’s no snitch.
Aries: What you’re packing must be jam, because jelly don’t shake like that, unless you’re doing 70 miles per hour down a washboard dirt road trying to catch up to the mailman just in case he has your Cheese of the Month package. If that’s you, gouda work. Carry on.
Taurus: A mysterious stranger has a message for you on Tuesday. Unless he has your Publisher’s Clearing House prize check in his hand, avoid him. You’ve got enough going on without his drama, and you need to rest up before that bizarre shock on Friday.
Gemini: You’re not paranoid, the Universe really is out to get you. Time to make amends, or learn to jump out of the way of incoming meteors, landslides and the occasional over-caffeinated killer monkey. Spread those apologies far and wide, because that monkey means business.
Cancer: This week brings you something you wished for when you were 8 years old; apparently the Good Fairy had quite a backlog. Prepare for an influx of toys, candy and that incredibly ugly denim jacket from the mall.
