Zodiac
PISCES: Usually you delicately sip from the fountain of nice things, but this week you’re drinking from the fire hose of awesomeness. Sure, your makeup is smudged and you slosh when you walk, but you have enough blessings to keep you hydrated for months.
ARIES: It’s no wonder why the caged bird sings; it has wifi, Birdflix and Doordash. Follow Tweety’s lead and stay in this weekend. You’ll be rested and ready to fly in the face of your problems come Monday.
TAURUS: A situation is pressing down on you so hard, the serial number is imprinted on your butt. Take that info and call customer service; it’s time to cash in those Karma rewards for a little relief.
GEMINI: No one asked for your advice, but that hasn’t stopped you yet. If they don’t listen, put on your penguin costume and get your message across with interpretive dance. Once they’re stunned by that, they’ll listen.
CANCER: You haven’t done enough good deeds to score that hot babe or swing a raise at work, but this week you’ll always find a parking space close to the store entrance. Hey, it’s a start.
LEO: Be prepared for several small calamities on Thursday, and a sizable disaster on Friday. If you knock them all out, you’ll prevent a sharknado event in the office this weekend. If not, just tell the boss that you need a bigger boat.
VIRGO: Your big plan looks like it’s finally coming together, but someone’s on the sidelines with a giant pair of scissors. Beat them to the punch and shred your own plan; little do they know that you have a wild-haired backup scheme ready to go.
LIBRA: Forget tooting your own horn, you’ll need a few yoga classes before you can do that. Instead, go ahead and pat yourself on the back. Do it hard enough, and you’ll cough up a bit of humility, plus that nickel you swallowed when you were a kid.
SCORPIO: You’re ready for anything life throws at you, but that curveball on Saturday is carrying some heat. Next time, wear both a catcher’s mask and a cup, because the universe has a pretty good arm.
SAGITTARIUS: Good luck follows you around like a chipmunk on speed; don’t bother asking questions, just enjoy everything going your way at 70 miles per hour.
CAPRICORN: Some days are all smooth sailing, and other days you’re barely keeping ahead of the pirates. Grab a peg leg and a mouthy parrot; sometimes you can’t beat them, so you might as well join them.
AQUARIUS: You start hearing voices when nobody’s home, but don’t worry. You’re fine. Someone just hid a dozen of those mounted singing fish, and stocked them with fresh batteries. Plot your revenge while tracking them all down.
