Zodiac
Aquarius: Your neighbor says that one man’s trash is another’s treasure, but you’re just thrilled that creepy haunted doll is out of your house. Sleep well, because in a few nights the screaming will start next door.
Pisces: You’ve stepped into your own power, and for once, it’s not something you need to scrape off your shoe. Flex those magical muscles and make your third wildest dream come true; you can work up to the other two later.
Aries: There’s a spring in your step on Tuesday. Could be a new love, or you shrunk your undies in the dryer again. Either way, buy yourself some snazzy new ones and get ready to show them off.
Taurus: Everyone thinks they have life figured out, but you know you do. Now you just need an open-minded billionaire to fund your project and you can unleash your army of robot penguin Uber drivers. Get ready to be rich!
Gemini: You will trip on the 3,724th step you take on Friday. Keep a running tally in your head, because your smartwatch may be out to get you. Avoid jogging near a cliff or any unreasonably deep potholes.
Cancer: Some days you’re an eagle, soaring proudly through a cloudless sky, and other days you’re a seagull stealing pizza from a toddler. On the bright side, you don’t need an energy drink to give you wings; you flap along just fine on your own.
Leo: You can trust strangers with candy; it’s your co-workers you have to worry about. Don’t accept any unusually warm sandwiches on Friday, because you don’t know where they’ve been.
Virgo: Great minds want inspiration to strike, but they don’t realize they’re the bowling pins. You may not get any bright ideas with this week’s gutterballs, but you’ll still be on your feet.
Libra: Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it. Except for you, you mad genius. Crank up that machine you built in the garage, and you’ll have the world’s first thundersnow sharknado.
Scorpio: Opportunities are circling you like over-caffeinated squirrels on Monday; grab one as it races past, but remember to keep your nuts safe or you’ll just be a shell of your former self.
Sagittar ius: Sob stories may be a dime a dozen, but you realize that’s the best bargain ever. Spend a few bucks and collect them all; there’s probably a way to make money off them if you slap them up on the Internet.
Capricorn: Usually romance beckons from a distance, but on Tuesday it sashays right up to you and kicks you in the shins. Go for it if that gets your motor running, but step up your insurance first.
