Zodiac
Aquarius: Opportunity knocks on Friday, but you think it should have texted first. Don’t worry, you’ll get another chance if you can muster the courage to call back and leave a voicemail.
Pisces: This week, everything is going your way, which makes the jogging path a little crowded. Step aside for unlucky saps, of course, but otherwise, keep heading forward with your posse of blessings.
Aries :
Usually, life is a bowl of cherries, but on Friday it’s just a damp puddle filled with angry bullfrogs and they all want you to fix their wi-fi. Feel free to ignore them, because they can’t croak out nasty reviews on your Google page if they don’t have internet.
Taurus: You will be guided by a star in the night sky this week. Could be a meteorite crashing into your attic, or it could be Taylor Swift waving to you from her private plane. Either way, your story will be all over the news, so it’s the perfect time to launch that weird Instagram you’ve been planning.
Gemini: Yes, you could quit your job, but you can’t pay your bills with Pokemon cards and interpretive dance moves. Instead, keep training the raccoons by the dumpster, and you’ll soon have an income provided by your army of furry pickpockets.
Cancer: The secrets of the Universe are hidden from you, but you do know all the good gossip. Tell Karma to improve your lifestyle or you’re about to get chatty.
Leo: Your Monday is as sweet as a batch of butterscotch cookies, but the office keeps trying to drop sardines in your tasty day. Fish them out and toss them back; they’ll eventually realize you’re going the otter way.
Virgo: There’s no crying in baseball, but technically you can’t swing a bat at someone’s knee because they crossed you. Carry a vampire bat and no one will get close enough to tag you out. Congratulations, you win.
Libra: Whoever said it’s darkest just before the dawn never met you and your tricked-out truck with 15 spotlights. Throw the switch and make your own daylight; after that, your path is clear.
Scorpio: There is nothing to fear but Fear itself, and that would be more convincing if Fear wasn’t covered in tattoos, muscles and a bad attitude. Buy it a few drinks and Fear will be crying on your shoulder in no time.
Sagittar ius: Good things come to those who wait, but you can get better stuff if you cut out the middleman. Go where the good things are made; they probably have a discount outlet with half-price happiness in stock.
Capricorn: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it does make a trip with Google Maps more interesting. Put down the phone and grab the wheel, otherwise you’ll be the fastest car flying over the Taco Bell sign.
