Zodiac Aquar ius: People are shocked that you’re tired of their grandiose lies. Tell them the truth: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, say hello to the taser. Or, just drag your feet across the carpet and hug them.
Pisces: On Friday, you become a wellspring of creativity, so start that new project instead of splashing around until it dries up into a mud puddle of discontent. Aries: Some people were born under a lucky star, but you were born under the last sputtering bulb in an abandoned gas station. You may not find fame and fortune, but you have a knack for mixing the best cocktails from three energy drinks, a case of flat beer and a bag of Cheetos, so that’s something.
Taurus: In a world of smooth symphonies, you’re a twitchy one-person band. Don’t worry about following someone else’s tune; just launch into “Enter Sandman” with your kazoo and knee cymbals, and let them all be in awe.
Gemini: Knowledge is telling everyone what you’ve learned; wisdom is realizing they don’t want to hear it. Be wise on Wednesday, it’ll save you five dirty looks and a kick in the shins.
Cancer: You may not have happy feet, but you do have a disgruntled knee, a bored elbow and three fingers who are ready to go on strike. Get your body parts in line, or you’ll be walking like a breakdancing scarecrow.
Leo: There’s a creepy feeling you just can’t shake on Tuesday. The sun is shining, birds are singing, and things are going well. Too well. Don’t worry, the office will call with a ridiculous emergency and all will be normal again.
Virgo : This week, seek truth and understanding. Unplug from social media first, because those goals can’t be found in a Tik-Tok dance or Facebook rant. You won’t discover world peace by going outside, but you’ll definitely score some content for your next sponsored post.
Libra : In every life some rain must fall, but lately it’s been frozen and thrown directly at your face. Hide under the covers until the ice-flinging is done; after that, you can get even by signing your enemies up for every bizarre email newsletter available.
Scorp io: A money-making idea strikes you in the middle of the night, but how will you train 100 bees to wear tiny suits and sing Mariah Carey songs in time for the next “America’s Got Talent?” Work out the kinks and reality TV will be abuzz with excitement.
Sag ittar ius: Money comes your way on Thursday; could be a million bucks falling from the sky, or a jar full of pennies that your toddler tossed down the toilet. Either way, expect a crapstorm of excitement.
Capr icor n: The best things in life may be free, but you can score a lot of awesome stuff with a higher limit on your credit card, too. Time to shake what the Universe gave you if you want that 60-inch TV and a case of chicken nuggets.
