Scorpio: Self-improvement is fine, but you don’t need all the scaffolding and orange cones around you while you’re doing it. If you want extra space, just loudly proclaim that you’re vegan, into Crossfit, and you’re selling Amway.
Sagitta rius: You discover a spot of good luck on Friday. Remember where it is, and don’t cover it up with old pizza boxes and dirty clothes this time, because you’ll need it for the weekend.
Caprico rn: Fame finally finds you this week, but you don’t get all 15 minutes of it at once; it comes 10 seconds at a time, which makes for a very strange trip to Walmart on Wednesday. Everyone wants your autograph, and then promptly forgets why.
Aquarius: You can’t solve all your problems with duct tape, but you can make them stay in place on Saturday and ask a few pertinent questions. Use the glitter- infused tape to make it festive.
Pisc es: Forget about using a smile for an umbrella, but feel free to employ a threatening stare to someone’s kneecaps. It won’t keep you dry, but it definitely keeps the riffraff away.
Aries: You didn’t start the fire, but you were carrying five pounds of matches and a gallon of kerosene when lightning struck. Next time, remember your asbestos undies unless you want a pack of snickering park rangers to stomp you out again.
Taurus: Most people know their limits, but you wouldn’t recognize yours even with a photo and two forms of I.D. You can slow down and take a step back in your current adventure, or become the swimming pool pickleball champion you’ve always wanted to be.
Gemini: Don’t worry, it’s not the voices in your head telling you those bad knock-knock jokes at 3 a.m. It’s the creepy antique doll you bought at that auction last week. So that should make you feel better, right?
Canc er: It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about how you play the game. Although the game would be easier if you quit this round of blindfolded Jenga with two-by-fours and switched to Chutes and Ladders. Your back will thank you.
Leo: You’re learning that life isn’t a parade, it’s more of a mad dash through heavy traffic while carrying a ladder and three briefcases made of cheese while being chased by someone telling you what’s wrong with their kitchen sink. The cheese is tasty, though.
Virgo: On Thursday, treat the office janitor to lunch and you’ll learn all the secrets, including why the boss is suddenly having every floor waxed and who’s been stealing your favorite chair every freaking day. Buying secrets with apple pie is sweet, but revenge is sweeter.
Libra: The road to happiness isn’t cluttered with squeaky toys and treats, it’s there because of them. Take your dog to the park this week, and enjoy the fact that there’s someone who listens to you and doesn’t broadcast your troubles. Mainly because they don’t have thumbs or access to social media.
