Scorpio: Bad news: You don’t remember what you did on Saturday night. Worse news: It pops up on Wikipedia two days later. At least now your life has a narrator; that will be handy for any upcoming alibis or pesky CNN reporters.
Sagittarius: Everything goes well on Tuesday; your boss commends you, the kids do what you tell them and your hair looks fantastic. Don’t be nervous. Everything will be back to its crappy state on Thursday.
Capricorn: You finally find a magic lamp; do you rub it, and get your wishes, or sell it on eBay and make some real cash? Either way, your life is about to become very interesting, so enjoy the ride.
Aquarius: They say the best things in life are free, but they apparently haven’t experienced a 60-inch TV with all the streaming services or the seat warmers in a shiny new car. Tell those people to cram it when you’re buying that next lottery ticket; you’ll show them.
Pisces: On Thursday, you receive your heart’s desire, but what will you do once life is finally perfect? Taunt your enemies, of course, and maybe take a nap. After all, world domination is better after you’ve had your beauty sleep.
Aries: You’ve finally found the magic formula for success, but where can you get three wolverines, Hawaiian grunge music and a tutu on such short notice? Fill your Amazon cart with every possible scenario imaginable and those wild ideas will pay off.
Taurus: Sure, you can walk softly and carry a big stick, but eventually you’ll meet someone tiptoeing with a chainsaw. Go ahead and be yourself, let the splinters fall where they may.
Gemini: When it rains, it pours, but you’re not sure if you need an umbrella or a raft. Looking at the clouds ahead, go ahead and buy a ticket for a cruise ship; just make sure it doesn’t say ‘Titanic’ on the side.
Cancer: You finally find one thing you’re good at, but who will hire a juggling snail wrangler? Hit the books and work up at least one marketable skill. At least then you’ll be able to afford the snail chow until the tiny circus comes to town.
Leo: Don’t look now, but there’s someone behind you. Karma is moving fast, and you’re not sure if it’s coming in for a handshake or a headlock. Armor yourself with true compassion instead of just playing at it, or the Universe will turn into John Cena on you.
Virgo: Expect a miracle on Thursday; it could be something small, like your kids making sense, or something big, like money falling from the sky. Either way, it’s going to be a jaw-droppingly good day.
Libra: Someone tells you that you’ve made your bed, now lie in it. Grab some snacks, the TV remote and spend the day under the covers catching up on your favorite shows, because being happy and relaxed will really tick them off.
