VIRGO: The answer to your own personal mystery falls into your lap at 2:20 p.m. on Monday. Don’t stand up too quickly, or it’ll break when it hits the floor and attract sofa-sized ants.
LIBRA: If you knew then what you know now, you’d figure out exactly when to buy that lottery ticket. You can either invent a time machine or hang around the gas station on Friday. You may find a ticket or get propositioned; either way, you can get lucky.
SCORPIO: The road to success is filled with hard knocks, but that’s not your style. Stay on the highway to half-assed solutions; it’s lined with pizza boxes, bad movies and plenty of people you know.
SAGITTARIUS: Just when it’s smooth sailing, you discover that you hate the water. Dock that boat and head for the nearest casino; the only rocks you’ll hit are the ones in your drink.
CAPRICORN: Most people have a light bulb above their head when they get a great idea; yours is a set of 25-year-old Christmas lights; half don’t work, and the wiring is iffy at best. Upgrade to some LEDs before you have that next brainstorm.
AQUARIUS: If wishes were horses, wouldn’t that mean a genie is just a cowboy? Wrangle your own herd this week, and wait for the magic rodeo to begin.
PISCES: Nothing in the universe is beyond your reach, especially since you bought one of those extended grabber contraptions. Forget the low-hanging fruit for a change; aim for the top shelf and reap the cosmic rewards.
ARIES: You may give love a bad name, but you’re a rock star when it comes to being petty. After rearranging all the flowers in your neighbor’s yard, they have several exciting monikers for you. Good thing you received that thesaurus for Christmas.
TAURUS: It’s tough to see the forest for the trees on Thursday, but that doesn’t mean you should bulldoze them all down for a new mini-mart. Go outside and mingle with an oak or two; you might even meet a dryad for drinks.
GEMINI: Life gets you down on Tuesday, so it’s important to be in your happy place. Thankfully, yours offers 2-for-1 margarita nights and free folding chair throwing competitions.
CANCER: You’re treading water, and your last arm floatie has sprung a leak. Quit waiting for a mermaid to rescue you, just dog-paddle your own butt toward land. It won’t be pretty, but saving yourself is worth the effort.
LEO: You’ve tried explaining your concerns to the boss, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Try something different, like interpretive dance with a jackhammer. It will clear the path and free up half an acre of office space, at least.
