VIRGO: On Friday, you’re the tuba in an all-kazoo band; you’re not quite as annoying as everyone else, but you’re best enjoyed at a distance. Everyone’s giving you space, so toot to your heart’s content.
LIBRA: Fall is in the air, but you’re hiding under the bed. Don’t worry; you can still wear white shoes after Labor Day, it’s only the blazing orange Speedo and knee pads your boss doesn’t like. At this point, he’d be happy even if you wore a toga.
SCORPIO: No one wants to invest in your latest business idea, but that’s only because they haven’t seen your all-ferret answering service and beauty salon in action. Release your furry squad in the bank; you’ll be encouraged by all the whooping and hollering.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re feeling so good on Saturday, you just float over the potholes on the road of life. Ignore those who try to bump you into their own demolition derby.
CAPRICORN: The best things in life are free, but getting to them requires gas money, digital coupons and sweet-talking HR for some time off. Do what you need to get where you want; after that, you’re truly free.
AQUARIUS: Your boss throws a ton of crap your way, but the joke’s on him; you just bought a gas mask and a jumbo pooper scooper on Amazon. Pop in those earbuds, listen to some tunes and shovel with a smile.
PISCES: The Universe tries to make your cards disappear, but you see right through the illusion. Reach into its pocket and pull out the King of Hearts. While you’re at it, steal the karmic car keys and wallet, too. You’ve earned it.
ARIES: There’s a spot of good fortune heading your way this week. It’s on your favorite shirt, though, so you’ll have to decide between getting money and doing laundry. It’s a battle between your bank account and your OCD.
TAURUS: A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but they’re all a protected species. It’s OK, you’re not much of a hunter anyway. Explore your email for a 2-for-1 pizza coupon, and you’ll still be your family’s hero.
GEMINI: You can dance like no one’s watching, but it’s only fun when someone is actually pointing their phone at you and making you go viral. Try it spontaneously at the supermarket on Tuesday; you’ll either be an influencer or a mental patient by the end of the day.
CANCER: A wonderful opportunity beckons, but you’re afraid it’s just going to drug your drink and steal your wallet. Relax; everything isn’t out to get you. But, bring your own bottle of soda just to make sure.
LEO: Just when you’re ready to relax, all eyes are on you to step up and be the hero. Good news for you: Your tights are at the cleaners and the Bat-signal has a burned-out bulb. Kick back with your significant other, watch some movies, and let the chaos roll past.
