Zodiac
ARIES: That dark cloud following you around all week isn’t all bad. Sure, you may be in a foul mood but you also get some shade and an occasional tiny rainstorm to cool off in July.
TAURUS: If someone gave you free money, you’d just complain that you couldn’t find your wallet. Start appreciating the nice things in your life before the Universe subscribes you to the Everyday Crap Plan, with bad reception and lots of roaming charges.
GEMINI: On Thursday, at 2:37 p.m., look behind you. You’ll catch a glimpse of something amazing that can lead to happiness, wealth and the perfect bowling score. If you forget, it will just follow you around and mock you for the rest of the day.
CANCER: You have a chance to make a real difference in someone’s life on Friday. It could be a good deed, or you just may be the bad example that inspires them to become better so they don’t end up like you.
LEO: There are clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right, and they’re all trying to be social media influencers but it’s all OK. You’re happily stuck in the middle with your sweetie, who will keep your goofy butt from slapping someone and going viral.
VIRGO: No one said you were the sharpest tool in the shed, but you need to hone yourself a little bit more. Right now, working with you is like cutting the lawn with a spoon. It can be done, but only with a lot of time, sweat and cussing.
LIBRA: Something will fall into your lap on Wednesday. With luck, it will be a bag of money and not a cement truck. Do a few good deeds before then, just to have the Universe on your side.
SCORPIO: Don’t worry; you’re not burning out like a candle in the wind. You’re more like a Roman candle that a dog grabbed, and is now shooting off at his owners because he’s tired of discount pup treats. So you’re fast, vengeful and making a lot of people scream.
SAGITTARIUS: Be careful on Tuesday; your sweetie found a recipe on Facebook, and they’ve stocked the fridge with scallops and cotton candy. Either load up on Pepto-Bismol, or decide that every night is pizza night for a while.
CAPRICORN: Sure, every rose has its thorn, but you can avoid life’s pointy bits by wearing oven mitts this week. You’ll be spared some pain and it might even make your texts more readable.
AQUARIUS: It’s easy to take the first step on a new path, but the 475th one can be hard. Hire a pack of licorice-crazed wombats to chase you, and you’ll make progress in no time.
PISCES: You’ve got all the moves, but no music. Get a soundtrack that reflects your soul, maybe some dwarf metal polka, and blast that wherever you wander this week. People will definitely appreciate seeing you come and go.
