Zodiac
ARIES: You may not be someone’s cup of tea, but you’re definitely a root beer cappuccino float with two scoops of rocky road ice cream. Keep looking, because someone out there has a bizarre 2 a.m. craving for you.
TAURUS: Watch out for low bridges on Thursday, or you’ll be walking around with a “No Jumping, No Climbing” imprint on your forehead. That kind of warning rules out any short sweeties for you, and you can’t afford to be that picky.
GEMINI: Congratulations, you win the lottery! It’s only for two dollars and a Barbie-sized bass boat, but you won. Buy yourself a soda pop and fill the bathtub; you’ll spend the next 30 minutes as a bona fide winner.
CANCER: Thursday won’t be your day, Friday’s not looking good either, but Saturday has an excellent chance of being not-so-crappy. Could be a new adventure, or maybe your neighbor used an easy password on their wi-fi.
LEO: There are a lot of flint rocks along the back roads of your mind, so quit spinning your tires every time things get bumpy. Sometimes you just need a quiet drive back to sanity instead of spending hours changing mental flats.
VIRGO: Sure, you shouldn’t let anything rain on your parade, but when it starts hailing chupacabras, it’s time to stay indoors and wonder what wizard you’ve pissed off. Make amends with anyone who has the power to send mythical beasts your way, because they’re ruining the roof.
LIBRA: Your milkshake doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard, but your hand-crocheted iPhone slipcovers do. Get ready with a box of yarn and a credit card machine because you’re about to make serious cash.
SCORPIO: Find the bright spots in your day and you’ll discover where the hail came through the roof last night. At least you’re saving money on electricity until the repairmen show up.
SAGITTARIUS: Discovering the beauty in everyday life is easier if you have weak eyeglasses and strong rum. On Friday, take the opportunity to enjoy how wonderful things seem while you fall asleep to a combination “Andy Griffith” and “Survivor” marathon.
CAPRICORN: On Wednesday, a flash of inspiration strikes and you create the world’s first pair of ultra-grip texturized underwear. They’ll be like a biker with a flat: guaranteed not to ride up. Find an investor quickly, because QVC awaits.
AQUARIUS: You forget the thing you’re supposed to do on Friday, but it’s okay. Friday forgot about you, too. Enjoy the extra sleep, because Saturday has evil plans for world domination.
PISCES: Time flies when you’re having fun, but the rest of the time it creeps along like a centipede with sore knees. Slap some Ben-Gay on those buggy joints, because you’re about to hit light speed this week.
