Zodiac
ARIES: A spark of madness is within us all, but right now you’ve got enough to power the Las Vegas strip. Take a day off, drink decaf, do whatever is necessary to keep you from doing an old-fashioned strip tease on the roof of the Dollar General.
TAURUS: You don’t have to be perfect, but at least wear matching shoes and occasionally look like you know what you’re doing. Throw in a few words about ‘synergy’ and your boss will decide you need a raise.
GEMINI: Things go awry when the National Guard turns up at the gender reveal party for your pregnant ferret. Between the two dozen explosions, the huge cloud bank of pink and blue smoke, and your past arrest record, their concerns of you invading the neighboring town are valid.
CANCER: Don’t worry about Thursday; you’ll blast through that challenge with flying colors. And a few flying monkeys. Remember to wear your witch hat to show them who’s the boss.
LEO: You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, but the flaming icicles are new. Time to up your game as a mad scientist, because there’s a new Dr. Frankenstein in town and he’s melting your windshield wipers.
VIRGO: There are two sides to every story, six sides to the dice, and 27 sides on the mega-buffet you chose for lunch. But when your sweetie is mad, there’s only one side to aim for; their good side. Move fast and stay on it.
LIBRA: Monday brings you luck and a trip, so buy that lottery ticket and watch out for loose branches on the sidewalk. But hey, if you do land flat on your face, check the sidewalk for hundred dollar bills, because you never know.
SCORPIO: If at first you don’t succeed, give up. Because you’re on your 596th try, honestly. Pick something easier like Olympic goldfish training and you’ll have a fishy shot at success.
SAGITTARIUS: On Friday, your spouse wants to surprise you with a recipe they found on Tiktok. Have the fire department and your favorite local pizza joint on speed dial; you’ll need both.
CAPRICORN: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step on Wednesday. You really need to watch where you’re walking, especially around downed power lines.
AQUARIUS: If your heart wrote a check, your brain would demand three forms of I.D. and a co-signer. Get all your bits and pieces in line and be true to yourself, and then the Universe will approve your cosmic line of credit.
PISCES: Expect the unexpected on Thursday, and you’ll get exactly what you expect, because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, yet you always end up with the comfy chair.
