Zodiac ARIES: People don’t mind when you toot your own horn, but they would appreciate it if you did it with your face instead of your rear end. Lay off the beans for a few days; your co-workers will sing your praises.
TAURUS: You’ve had three big ideas in a row this week; either slow down or get yourself a hat with a built-in fan, because your brain is on fire. Time to hit up Shark Tank with your combination hammock/pasta strainer.
GEMINI: Some opportunities float down like butterflies, but on Thursday you’re pelted with a hailstorm of fantastic choices. Grab a helmet and shovel up some good fortune before they melt away.
CANCER: If you expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed. Time to get your eyes off the mud and onto the clouds; that golden goose is shaking her tail feathers at you if you know where to look.
LEO: At 3 p.m. on Thursday, duck! And another duck. Oooh, there’s another. There’s a whole flock of them following you, and they know you have a ham sandwich in your pocket. Hand it over peacefully and don’t make eye contact.
VIRGO: You’ve never been one for quiet dignity, so why start now? Break out that inflatable raft and go floating in the snooty restaurant’s lobster tank. No one will touch you once you’ve trained those snappers to be your loyal lobster army.
LIBRA: Calling someone a timeless beauty when their face could stop a clock is your superpower. Use that gift of gab on your boss this week and you could score that raise you’re wanting.
SCORPIO: On Sunday, expect a gift from a secret admirer, and then spend the next two weeks wondering how they knew about your passion for hand-painted corn cob holders.
SAGITTARIUS: Fortune favors the bold, but typing all your boss’ correspondence in Extra Bold Wingdings may get you in trouble. On the other hand, no one minds receiving his emails now, so congrats on a job well done.
CAPRICORN: Take two steps to the left. OK, one step forward. There, that’s where the meteor will hit. Ooops, better jump fast, it has a tracker on you. Have you ticked off a mad genius lately? Make amends before you’re a pile of radioactive cosmic dust.
AQUARIUS: In every life some rain must fall, but you’re gonna need more than a set of arm floaties. How are your ark-building skills? You can either take up carpentry, or just tell the Universe to take its crapstorm and stuff it.
PISCES: Usually no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but you’ve set up a lemonade stand. Fortunately, you’re in the right place at the right time to make some cash off someone’s sour disposition. Enjoy rolling in that big bag of money you just scored.
