Zodiac Beth Bartlett
ARIES: You don’t have to be the best, but at least try to wear shoes that match and have your pants right side out while at work. As always, underwear and common sense are optional.
TAURUS: Beware of robots bearing gifts on Thursday. A free pasta side dish sounds great, but is it worth signing away your rights to that spectacular idea for the self-revolving spoon? Eh, probably.
GEMINI: You may not know what you’re doing, but you’re doing it so well everyone stops to appreciate it. Congratulations on dazzling everyone with your confidence and baffling them with your bullcrap.
CANCER: Everyone wants a piece of you, but you’re wary of all those pocket knives. Keep moving and whip out your best Bruce Lee moves with that umbrella; you’ll make it out of the weekly staff meeting just fine.
LEO: The world is your oyster and you just want it to go shuck itself. Grab the pearl and wait for the world to turn into a plate of butterscotch cookies; life is better when your reality is delicious.
VIRGO: Take your sweetie by the hand; is it cold and firm? You’ve wandered into the mannequin closet at the mall again. Walk around and listen closely for your love calling “Where are you this time, idiot?”
LIBRA: To thine own self be true, but it’s handy to know how to fake competence now and then. Put up a brave show and act like you know what you’re doing; everyone will applaud until someone actually tries to use that trampoline you just assembled.
SCORPIO: Making the best of a bad situation is like bringing a turnip pie to the potluck; everyone will applaud your efforts, but no one is willing to test the results. Scrap that plan and just bring paper plates. Your family will thank you.
SAGITTARIUS: Friday brings great wealth and joy to your doorstep; if your neighbor really wanted all those Amazon packages and food deliveries, they should put the correct address in the app. Be nice, and offer to share the cheese sticks with them.
CAPRICORN: Today is your day! Everything goes right, your sweetie is extra loving, and the kids are well-behaved. That makes you so nervous, you’ll be jumpy the rest of the week.
AQUARIUS: This week, don’t stoop to someone’s level when they insult you. That’s too hard on your back, so sit down and do it right. Someone will record it on their phone no matter what you do, anyway.
PISCES: Remember, if you knew then what you know now, you wouldn’t have learned half of what you know, and you wouldn’t have met Elvis in that parking lot next to a donkey basketball game. Being young and stupid was occasionally your superpower, so use it again on Saturday night.
