ZODIAC ARIES: You’re flying high and nothing can bring you down today. Enjoy it, because eventually helium will leak from those balloons tied to your office chair. Or your boss finds his old pellet gun and your descent will be much faster.
TAURUS: There’s no time like the present, that’s why they call it a gift. But what do they know? Grab the receipt and get in the exchange line; you could trade it for a trip to 20 years ago, when you had hopes, dreams, and good knees.
GEMINI: On Friday, you’re flipping, flopping and hopping all over the place. Stand still, take a breath, and next time, don’t wash your undies in the same load with all your steel wool and dish scrubbers.
CANCER: Time flies when you’re having fun, but it’s stuck in deep mud at work. Instead of spinning your wheels, be productive and create life-size sculptures of your co-workers from office supplies. They’ll thank you when Paperclip Brenda emails everyone to take the afternoon off.
LEO: On Tuesday, you’re bouncing around like a lost Roomba. Quit sucking up dirt from the driveway and head inside for some quiet time. You need a recharge, and maybe a few new circuits.
VIRGO: If you had all the answers, would you be currently standing in the fast food drive-thru shouting your vegan teriyaki lasagna order and trying to calm three wild wombats? Well, maybe; we don’t judge. Just be nice to the workers behind the register and your day will get better.
LIBRA: This week you feel more out of place than a metalhead at a yodeling festival. It’s time to embrace change; hike up those tightyw hities, learn a new tune and belt it out with the best of them.
SCORPIO: Know your limits; you’re going 85 in a 25 MPH zone. If you don’t slow down, the Karma Police hiding behind that skinny tree will show you the limits of patience, good sense and hilarious justice worthy of a viral video.
SAGITTARIUS: Why bring roses and gifts to your sweetie when you can paint yourself like a panda and dance in front of their office window? Because they would rather have the flowers, goofball. Give them some romance, and build social media clout on your own time.
CAPRICORN: Watch out for black eyes on Thursday. It could be someone swinging wildly during a Walmart clearance sale, or just a key popping off your computer keyboard, but it’s better to be safe.
AQUARIUS: Some days you’re mild, brainy Bruce Banner, and other days you’re the Hulk. Monday is looking mean and green, so keep some extra pants handy.
PISCES: Your week comes together faster than a Rubik’s Cube at a Mensa convention. Hang on, because you’re not used to this much success and luck.
