Pisces: Nothing fishy here, you just finally score something you’ve always wanted for your birthday. Lock your anxiety in the broom closet so you can take the win and enjoy the moment for a change.
Aries: A brighter day is coming, even if you have to hotwire the sun lamps yourself. Forget those wimpy LED bulbs; hijack the Rotisserie Chicken Scorcher 3000 from the nearest gas station. That will throw some light your way, and make dinner to boot.
Taurus: You’ve been like a knock-kneed centipede; there’s a lot of movement, but you’re not getting anywhere. Take a moment to rest, and then plant yourself on the nearest skateboard. Your progress will be speedy, especially if you’re going downhill.
Gemini: The stars aren’t in your favor this week. Actually, you owe them 15 bucks for that little situation they handled recently. Pay up, because Karma swings for the kneecaps.
Cancer: Push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something completely new; no one’s going to pay you for just staying home and watching Netflix, unless you’re acting out all the movies while dressed in a penguin onesie and a tiara. Being weird is where the money is.
Leo: Everything goes your way from 7:25 to 7:30 on Wednesday morning. Within five minutes you could have your budget raised, your co-workers fired and your paycheck bigger, unless, of course, you sleep in.
Virgo: Yes, you’re supposed to dance with the one that brung you, but they were way too handsy. Hit the middle of the dance floor and do the robot version of the Macarena; you’ll be the hit of the party all on your own.
Libra: Loose lips sink ships, but your prudish pucker could keep the Titanic afloat. Relax, break out a smile and enjoy the cruise; sealing a boat-based leak with your mouth is highly ineffective anyway unless you’re Mick Jagger.
Scorpio: This week, your life is a lot like a game of Twister: you’ll take an occasional kneecap to the face, but at least your nose isn’t embedded in someone else’s backside. Thankfully you’ll be untangled before your hip acts up on Friday.
Sag ittar ius: The Universe takes you in a bold new direction on Wednesday; you could either come up with a life-saving medicine or just invent a new flavor of Doritos. Bonus points if you do manage to do both in one product.
Capricorn: Your big break is finally on its way! It may be disguised as three small problems in a trench coat, so sneak up on it, rip that mask off with your best Scooby- Doo impersonation and expose your good fortune for the world to see. Jinkies!
Aquarius: Karma can lead you to water, but you absolutely refuse to drink. Quit whining about wanting something flavored, fizzy and expensive, or you’ll be spluttering on the business end of a fire hose.
