Aquarius: Some opportunities dress in day-glo bikinis and do the Macarena in front of you, but this particular chance at success is slinking around in camouflage and face paint. Grab it when it’s not looking; it’s definitely worth the trouble.
Pisces: You’re waiting for the Universe to send you a message, but it’s not coming through your phone. Instead of a text, look out for any fast-moving dodgeballs. A lovely memo of hope and love will be imprinted on your forehead soon.
Aries: Remember how the Road Runner painted a tunnel on the side of the mountain? This week, you should quit jumping headfirst into problems or at least do some yoga stretches first. Buy a helmet, you’ll need it.
Taurus: A new challenge awaits you on Tuesday. You can tackle it head on, or scatter some pocket change to distract it and run. It’s not technically bribing the Universe, since Karma needs the money for the parking meter.
Gemini: Go within yourself to find the answers you need. Take a left at uncomfortable memories, a right at weird 2 a.m. thoughts, and you’ll find a dusty cardboard box filled with inner peace, still-fresh Twinkies and an old Enya CD.
Cancer: Quit trying to be perfect; if you succeed, you’re boring. Right now, you’re a tightly sealed package of chaos and joy, just waiting to burst out. Undo that hermetic seal on your personality and become interesting again.
Leo: Wednesday brings good fortune with a side of awesome luck. Use them together, and you’ll have one wildly successful day getting what you want, or several crappy days but your parking spot is always open.
Virgo: If you can’t be the person you want to be, just become the one your third-grade teacher thinks you are: rambunctious, needs work, but still deserves a smiley face on that C+ paper. That’ll do.
Libra: Crack a joke in the face of adversity and it’ll just yawn at you, but if you burp into its mouth, it’ll drop you and run for the mouthwash. Even a disgusting win is still a win.
Scorpio: Not everyone sees an opportunity in a case of bubble gum, a bottle of helium and 37 zip ties, but you do. Congratulations on your new world’s record in the most redneck hot air balloon ever created.
Sagittar ius: Kindness isn’t always about saying the right thing; sometimes it’s just knowing when to shut up. Friday brings a great opportunity to be kind with your coworkers. Let them blather, and you’ll learn a few blackmail- worthy facts that will benefit you later.
Capricorn: There’s nothing you can’t accomplish if you put your mind to it, but all you’ve applied is your right elbow, your left pinky toe and your grumpy attitude. Get your whole self onboard for Saturday, even if you have to promise to treat yourself to an all-you-can-eat pizza party and a certificate of accomplishment afterward.