Aquarius: You’ve been living in your own head for so long, Karma kicks you out just so it can hire a maid and maybe an exterminator for the roaches. Get out of its way and don’t come back until suppertime.
Pisces: A mysterious gift sends you on a fantastic adventure, but you just want to stay home and watch fail videos on You Tube. Relax, the awe of personal discovery will be more entertaining than a coach’s groin crunch in a tiny tot T-ball game.
Aries: If folks say they hope you live in interesting times, show them that you’ve blown past the marker with your interpretative dance of a Benadryl-addled mosquito on vacation in a Chuck E. Cheese. They’ll leave you alone after that.
Taurus: On Tuesday, you’re the cold medicine capsule dropped into a bowl of M&Ms. Your presence may be an accident at the party, but someone will definitely feel loopy by the time you leave.
Gemini: Take a step back on Wednesday, and repeat it two dozen times until you’re out of the drama splash zone or you discover a mysterious yellow brick road; at least your shoes will be classier.
Cancer: Just when you find your groove, someone changes the playlist. Take back your power and get on down with your bad self: Not everyone can look cool while dancing to disco hula music.
Leo: Everyone will hear you roar, especially those who are within earshot after you’ve listened to the 482nd complaint of the day. Give people a heads up, or just blow your top and enjoy the satisfaction of watching them scatter.
Virgo: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both together and you have … a fairly comprehensive overview of the situation. It’s not the facts of life, though, until you release your inner Tootie and get into those roller skates.
Libra: Take pride in your accomplishments before someone else takes credit for your work. An ear-splitting, celebratory yodel should get the message across; posting in the group chat works too, but it’s more fun to scare all the Karens you work with.
Scorpio: There’s a big decision to be made, and you don’t want to just flip a coin. Dust off the Ouija board in the attic, and solve the puzzle that keeps you up at night: Does pineapple truly count as a pizza topping, or just an early dessert parked in the middle of your dinner?
Sagittar ius: Money is coming your way; could be a lottery win, or that one washer at the laundromat finally has a nervous breakdown and spews 50 dollars of quarters at your head. Either way, you’ll be a big spender at Dollar Tree this week.
Capricorn: The Universe is giving you a free pass to do something wild and crazy on Wednesday, with one caveat: No one can catch it on video. Enjoy the freedom to do something stupid, like everyone who grew up in the 1970s.
