Capricorn: You’ve never been good at doing what your gut tells you to, so try listening to your left elbow for a while. It’s going to be wrong most of the time, but the results will be hilarious. Slap the footage up on YouTube so we can all enjoy it.
Aquarius: You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer; in fact, you’re the weirdly bent fork that keeps the drawer from closing all the way. You won’t make any progress, but you’ll learn all the newest curse words.
P i s ces :
Sometimes inspiration drips on your forehead like a leaky roof at night, and other times it flows like a lazy river. That’s not good enough for you, is it? Go ahead, stick your face into that fire hose and get a good drink. You’ll slosh with ideas for the rest of the week.
Aries: Go ahead, put your best foot forward on Tuesday, but don’t wear those sandals. No one needs to see your fuzzy toe knuckles and that corkscrew yellow toenail. Just be glad they can’t see your worst foot; that one seriously creeps people out.
Taurus: Congratulations, you have a new lease on life! Enjoy this month before you see how much you’re paying the Universe in interest, and try to not think about the balloon payment in the end.
Gemini: The whole world isn’t against you, just certain parts of it. Stay out of Finland, Mongolia, and east Cincinnati until everyone forgets about that bizarre post you made on Instagram. You know the one.
Cancer: You finally found a new row to hoe and you’re kicked off the farm. Next time, don’t try to plant man-eating cantaloupes in the garden section of Walmart. Find your own plot to grow your dreams; the dirt behind Dollar Tree looks promising.
Leo: Even a broken clock is right twice a day, so expect to be shocked when your boss makes sense on Friday. Enjoy it, because the corporate jabberwocky nonsense will be back in full force this weekend.
Virgo: Brighter days are coming, but you’re panicking about sunscreen. Relax; if the light of fortune and good vibes becomes too much to handle, you can always steal a little old lady’s umbrella.
Libra: On Monday, you accidentally do a good deed for your neighbor, and it startles Karma so much, you have a fantastic week. Take advantage before the Universe catches on to your real personality and shuts off the stream of good luck.
Scorpio: After an accident while trying on a new thong, you discover that yelping while side-walking like a mad crab burns twice as many calories as a regular stroll and you create the next big exercise craze. Cash in while you can!
Sagittar ius: Life is a bag of Cracker Jack, and you’re after the prize inside. Cross your fingers that it’s an old-school prize like a ring or a million dollar lottery win and not some lame sticker. You’ll find out on Wednesday.
