Sagittarius: When you can’t find the beauty in a situation, it’s time to give life one of those reality show makeovers. After you slap some lipstick on that pig, take it for some retro JCPenney Glamour Shots. They’ll make anyone feel confused yet awesome.

Capricorn: Santa may not give you what you want this year, but one of his elves will definitely hook you up with the good stuff; soon you’ll be the premier salesperson for the best 100-proof rum cake that caused 47 Human Resource incidents at the North Pole.

Aquarius: When Karma hands you a puzzle, you can search for all the pieces, or just use scissors and glue to make it fit together. Will it make sense? No. Do you care? Also, no.

Pisces: If life gives you lemons, it’s probably because some nearsighted Instacart shopper can’t read your instructions. Take back your power; there’s more satisfaction in grabbing your own kumquats, anyway.

Aries: You won’t fall through the open door of opportunity, but a friend might yank you through the window. Wear cleats at all times so you can get traction on that great new life. It also deters muggers and aerates the lawn, so you’re basically a pointy bundle of good karma.

Taurus: Anyone can walk softly and carry a big stick, but people will get out of the way faster if you stomp around and swing a giant dictionary on a chain. If you can’t find one, take some encyclopedias and make knowledge nunchucks.

Gemini: The road to the bad place may be paved with good intentions, but the narrow, spider-ridden path you’re taking is made of sheer, dumb luck. Thankfully, it just leads to the back door of a Starbucks, so you’ll have fancy coffee for eternity.

Cancer: Relax, your sofa isn’t haunted, it’s just inhabited by a couple of feral chipmunks. You can try to wrangle them outside, or save that seat for your in-laws during their far-too-long holiday visit.

Leo: Every time you take two steps forward, you slide three steps back. It’s a crappy lifestyle, but an incredible dance move if you add a few twirls. Throw in a Michael Jackson-style moonwalk, and you’ll be on the road to success in no time.

Virgo: On Friday, you end up between a rock and a hard place. This type of situation is exactly why you glued giant springs onto your shoes. Wiggle that butt, launch those legs and hop out of danger like the manic rabbit you are.

Libra: Thursday teaches you a lesson; don’t worry, it’s not one of those weird, naughty ones from the Internet. Just a light slap from the Universe reminding you that life is pretty good. Also, clear your browser history.

Scorpio: In the vending machine of life, you’re always the bag of chips that gets stuck against the glass. Wiggle for all you’re worth, and you’ll finally drop down into that little doorway of freedom this weekend.