Virgo: Remember when you could back up that thang and reverse it? Now you can’t even find first gear. Grab some wine, see your fave mechanic, and get them to hoist you up on the rack. If they’re good, they can really get your motor going again.

Libra: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but who said you had to stay on the straight and narrow? Go ahead, meander toward points unknown; you’ll either find yourself or create the world’s weirdest connect-the-dots puzzle ever.

Scorpio: Some people jump headfirst into the unknown, but you’ve barely got a pinky toe sticking out into the cosmos. Slap on that swimming cap fast, because Karma is about to throw you into the deep end.

Sagittar ius: Everyone knows you can’t keep a secret; that’s why you hear only the boring gossip. Button that lip this week, and you’ll hear something so juicy, it’ll make that nude Tupperware party at the nursing home look tame.

Capricorn: You have an inner beauty that blossoms without any fertilizer. Why do you continue to jump into the middle of every cow patty you see? Avoid the crap, think better of yourself, and hose off those boots while you’re at it.

Aquarius: Wednesday leaves an opportunity on your doorstep. Bring it inside before the squirrels get to it, otherwise they’ll be the ones spending all that cash on tiny Versace bags, exotic trips and furry facelifts.

Pisces: Don’t worry, your mojo is still there, you’ve just accidentally stored it in the freezer between the 12-year-old ice pops and that questionable pot roast. Warm it up, give it some hot chocolate, and it’ll be raring to go in no time.

Aries: A new love has given you wings, but a close rival is stocking up on hot sauce. Take this fledgling relationship slow, or you could end up as a dried-out barbecue snack on someone else’s plate.

Taurus: You may not be one fry short of a Happy Meal, because that would require cash, but you definitely have some noodles missing from your ramen bowl. Ask your boss for a raise on Friday, so you can eventually score some discount chicken fingers.

Gemini: Sure, things look great now, but you’re on the hunt for that loose thread. Once you find it, give it a yank, so you can unravel all the progress you’ve made this year. The pessimist in you will be thrilled.

Cancer: On Thursday, you’re like a pigeon with a switchblade: unpredictable, dangerous and slightly ruffled. Your loved ones may be safe, but that rat down the street should watch his back. On the bright side, you find an abandoned gas station pizza that looks almost edible.

Leo: Pennies from Heaven sound great, until they start hammering into your skin like a bronze-colored hailstorm. Carry an umbrella or wear an armored fedora. That way you’ll still have your senses along with all that sweet, sweet cash.