Virgo: Due to inflation, your lucky day has been reduced from all day Friday to 5:38 p.m. to 5:45 p.m. Work fast and make it count; your turn doesn’t pop up again unless you score a great 2-for-1 coupon from the Universe.
Libra: What you don’t know won’t hurt you, but what you imagine can. Pour your energy into good thoughts and best scenarios. You may be farting rainbows by the end of the week, but the reward will be worth it.
Scor pio: Karma saw what you just did, but it’s willing to look the other way for a box of Twinkies and a link to Ryan Reynolds’ secret Snapchat account. Start hustling, because you just learned the karmic lesson that everyone has a price, including the cosmic forces who are secretly Marvel fanboys.
Sagittar ius: Everything’s looking up this week, which makes you suspicious. Once you look up, too, you’ll see the meteor hurtling toward your location. Relax, put on your helmet, and settle into the comfortable feeling of unbridled chaos you know so well.
Capricorn: In the past when your self-esteem needed a boost, you could wander around Wal-Mart at 3 in the morning. These days, you need to think outside the box store for emotional fulfillment: Wear a mermaid tail and start your own fan site, Only-Fins. Either way, it’s verification of your coolness from total strangers.
Aquarius: A sudden windfall lands in your lap on Saturday. No catch, no surprises, just something awesome that you’ve always wanted. Could even be something positive and life-changing. Yeah, we’re just as surprised as you, really. Enjoy.
Pisces: True fulfillment comes from within. So does gas, which is why you should avoid that lima bean and broccoli pizza on Sunday. You’ll be doing everyone a favor, especially at yoga class.
Aries: Sure, every rose has its thorn, but you skipped past the garden and threw yourself headlong into the stinging nettles. Douse yourself with Bactine and bourbon, and next time, try to find love that doesn’t bite.
Taurus: An opportunity appears on the horizon, but your boss is ready with torpedoes. Radio ahead and have that boat sneak into your harbor when he’s not looking; do it right, and it’s all smooth sailing from here.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the turkeys getting you down; it’s the T-Rex around the corner you should watch out for. Look around corners, walk quietly, and if you see Jeff Goldblum, run.
Cancer: Not everything is an omen; sometimes a cloud is just a cloud. But if you hear something scratching on your windows Tuesday night, it’s time to make friends with a priest, a witch and an exterminator, so all the bases are covered.
Leo: The reason you can’t catch a break is you’re using the wrong equipment; change out those Muppet Babies mittens for a well-seasoned catcher’s mitt, and success will finally fall into your hands without any broken bones this time around.
