Virgo: While others have chickens coming home to roost, you have giant vultures settling in your rafters. They may have sniffed out your dead love life; take some time to make a date with that cutie you met the other day, just to prove you have a pulse.

Libra: On Thursday, find the joy that is within you. It’ll be just left of the itchy spot where the seed tick bit you last week. Go ahead, give it a scratch. Ah, that’s the ticket. Things are looking better already.

Scorpio: The people who say it’s always darkest just before dawn have never met a car with super-powered LED headlights. Pop open your hood and show them your own high beams, that’ll shut them up.

Sagittar ius: You can catch a lot of flies with honey, or you can just give the pests their own tiny reality show, Buzz Island. You’ll be bug-free as they viciously turn on each other. Remember to record it; somewhere there’s a low-tier streaming service needing content.

Capricorn: Just your luck, you found the key to prosperity but it doesn’t fit the lock. You can wait for the Universe to show up and let you in, or try the back door that Karma left unlocked just for you.

Aquarius: You’ve got a million dollar idea, but only $2.38 in your pocket. Don’t worry, your dreams will all come true once you train two dozen catfish to wear bikinis while doing synchronized swimming.

Pisces: Everything’s coming up roses, but you’d prefer a row of money trees in full bloom. Plant all those pennies you’ve found in parking lots this month, and your yard will not only smell great, it’ll also go “Ka-ching!” Aries: You’re not the bee’s knees, and right now you can’t even work up to mosquito’s ankles. Do a few good deeds this week, and you could be upgraded straight to butterfly’s cleavage, something that would turn anyone’s head.

Taurus: Some people are burdened by glorious purpose, and others get it simply by being thwacked in the head by a flying Beanie Baby during the thrift store tag sale. Either way, you’re working toward something bigger in your life. If you don’t like it, duck next time.

Gemini: For every step forward, you’re taking three steps back. Quit trying to walk in front of that giant fan, and start in a new direction. Unless you’re in mime school, then keep up the good work.

Cancer: Home is where the heart is, but yours is stapled to the side of a pizza box rattling around in the back of a 1988 Ford truck. Take a deep breath, yank off the greasy cardboard and set your sights higher. You can at least score the back seat of a 2005 Kia.

Leo: Life may be chaotic, but cheer up! At least there’s not a swarm of murder hornets trapped in your undies. Oh, wait, that’s scheduled for Wednesday. Carry on; also, stock up on Benadryl and ice packs.