Here’s what’ll happen: You’ll take a breath. Take another breath. And then you won’t. And that’ll be just the beginning of your end, a tsunami of shutdowns of brain and blood and body parts that will mark the end of your life. Other than that, well, what happens beyond your demise is a great unknown but as you’ll see in “Obitchuary” by Spencer Henry and Madison Reyes, things could get complicated.

Some four years ago, to cope with the grief of the death of his mother, Spencer Henry began a true-crime podcast that “somehow” morphed into a show about death. He knew his friend, Reyes, would be the perfect co-host. They settled down to talk about The End.

The first thing you may wonder is: What happens after you’ve breathed your last?

You’ll get stiff all over, and then you won’t. You’ll get boggy before you start to dry out. You won’t smell like a flowerbed, that’s for sure. Then your body will be processed, and there are many ways to get that done. Afterward, you can expect that not even your final resting place is a done deal forever and ever, end of story, because things happen. You can choose your own casket, choose burial or cremation, or donate your body to a medical school or a body farm.

So much happens on the day of a funeral. You can lie in repose or stand up, be buried in a box, beneath a tree, or next to your beloved motorcycle. You can become a doll, have a party, or make a splash with a surprising will. Someone might record your last words. Can’t wait to see what happens? Have your funeral before you’re even dead. Oh, and be sure to pre-write your obituary, and make sure that’s the one printed. Trust: you’ll be glad you did …

Please note that the subtitle of “Obitchuary” is “The Big Hot Book of Death.”

It’s more of a hot mess. Authors Spencer Henry and Madison Reyes let their subject matter run from the first moments after death to torture to body disposal to unsavory and illegal activities — topics that, together, bounce around like a squirrel on cocaine. You may be perfectly happy learning about something, but before you get a good grasp of it — wheee! You’re on to something else.

That would be OK, if it weren’t for the flippancy inside this book that masquerades as humor but isn’t always funny. Oh, for sure, you may snort a time or two, but what you’ll read is absolutely interesting and doesn’t need the laughs, which feel forced.

Is there good in this book at all? Indeed, there is – lots of it, like buried treasure. Buried deep.

Readers who want to be amused with facts and oh-wow anecdotes about death and the entire death industry will find them here, along with a lot of fluff to wave away. If you don’t mind scattershot, you’ll like “Obitchuary” just fine. If your sense of humor isn’t quite so snarky, though, you won’t.

— The Bookworm Sez