Leo: Miracles usually happen to other people, but you catch the edge of one on Friday. For 15 entire minutes, things go your way. People actually listen to you and everything is right in your world. You won’t get another break like this for years, so enjoy it.
Virgo: Life is like a puzzle; just when you nearly have it solved, the dog eats the final few pieces. Grab the pooper scooper, because you gotta sort through the crap to get what you want.
Libra:
Yes, you should know your weaknesses, but you’ve been getting far too handsy with your faults lately. Lean into your best strengths on Wednesday, like your ability to turn any bedsheet into clothing. You make that Care Bear pantsuit look good.
Scorpio: Painting the town red isn’t your thing, but you should get out the crayons and give it a light, waxy coat of mauve. That’ll dispel all the weird rumors about you, except for the one regarding the lawn mower and the mini skirt.
Sagittar ius: You’re on a roll; the only reason it feels like a bumpy ride are all the sesame seeds. Shake it off, because there’s some fresh dough headed your way this Saturday.
Capricorn: Someone’s cast-off regret is your new opportunity. Grab it out of the trash and run with it; you can break off any moldy bits later and pass it off as your own fresh idea.
Aquarius: The best things in life are free, but it takes a lot of money for maintenance. Raid the couch cushions for change and take your sweetie out for a cheap date; the effort is worth more than the French fry coupons you’ve been saving.
Pisces: Try something new this week; could be crocheting balloon animals, or breeding giant bugs for a cockroach racing enterprise. Your house will be filled with some very interesting noises for a while, but it will be profitable.
Aries: Sure, knowledge is power, but hooking a giant shark fin up to a jet ski and chasing drunken boaters on the lake has its appeal as well. At least it gives you something to do since Shark Week is over. Wear sunscreen!
Taurus: This week, you go on an incredible journey of self-discovery. When you find yourself, shake yourself down for the five bucks you borrowed 12 years ago from future you; that cash will come in handy at the drive-thru.
Gemini: In the game of life, some people make winning moves, but you’re the oddly shaped piece that rolled underneath the couch. You may not make it back into the box, but at least you’re on a first-name basis with a lot of dust bunnies and one dog-chewed Polly Pocket.
Cancer: A surprise falls into your lap on Wednesday. There’s a 60 percent chance it’s not a spider, but why take the risk? Stay upright and moving all day. Your activity tracker will love you, and your boss can’t find you, so it’s really a win/win.
