Leo: The Devil himself could challenge you to a fiddle contest, and you would raise the stakes by adding kazoos. Try to be less competitive this Wednesday. Go ahead. We dare you.
Virgo: Life is about finding balance, but you could fall off a sidewalk while stepping on a crack. Start small by drinking with two hands; you may have a beer in each fist, but at least you’re not grasping a spare sixpack with your toes.
Libra:
Others lead a Cracker Jack life, but you’re surrounded by mixed nuts. Take heart; your friends and family may be salty but they are definitely better than the prize in the box.
Scorpio: You’re looking for pennies from Heaven, but you’re getting expired Arby’s coupons from a weird dude in the parking lot. Keep doing those good deeds, and the Universe could throw a few Amazon discounts your way.
Sagittar ius: Tuesday brings good news, Thursday slides in with a bad joke, and Saturday keeps calling to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty. Don’t worry, Sunday has enough brain cells to keep quiet. It knows what’s coming up on Monday.
Capricorn: You wish on a star, and it decides to come down and see you in person. Keep your eyes on that fireball and stay close to the landing zone; you can get big money for meteorites. Wish granted!
Aquarius: A chance to do something epic comes this Thursday, but where can you get a trained flea circus and tiny choreography sheets for Thriller at 10 p.m.? You can do it, just remember to wear a flea collar so your microscopic minions won’t turn on you.
Pisces: The sky may be cloudy, but it doesn’t dare rain on your parade. You may want it to, though, especially after the goat squadron, the pigeon aerial salute and the prancing horses. You put on a great show that gets down and dirty in the streets; a sudden downpour washes away anything soiling your reputation.
Aries: You wanted in on that big secret, but now you can’t sleep at night. Tell a friend, and you’ll have someone to commiserate with when you’re up at 1 a.m. trying to forget the image of that circus clown in a neon yellow Speedo and a tutu.
Taurus: This week is your party, and you’ll cry if you want to, but complain one more time about the current cool weather in July and everyone will impersonate your parents. They will give you something to cry about.
Gemini: Some people sparkle like diamonds, but you glitter like a sharp flint rock stuck in the asphalt. You may not be pretty or valuable, but you can definitely rip up a tire if someone gets too close.
Cancer: Anxieties are like a box of chocolates; you can pick a few that look good, or stick your thumb in the bottom and see what you’re getting first. Avoid the pink mushy ones; those lead you straight to puppet therapy.
