Gemini: You haven’t ticked off the Universe yet, but the day is still young. Better throw in some random good deeds, just to throw Karma off track, otherwise Thursday is going to get darker and weirder than Tim Burton making Burger King commercials.
Cancer: Put your best foot forward on Monday. No, not the one with the weird nail and hairy toes, the other one. That’s your best one? OK, just wear socks with your sandals, and stride out to the pool with confidence. You’ll squish when you walk out, but you’ll still leave an unforgettable impression.
Leo: Most people will have an occasional thorn in their side, but you have an entire cactus stuck to you on Wednesday. Once you get through your meeting, you’ll have time to deal with all those sharp pricks. Grab some pliers; it’ll take a while to pluck them out.
Virgo: You’ve turned over a new leaf so often, it looks like you’re constantly walking in a two-foot-tall tornado. Pick one problem and work on it; just tell everyone that the rest of your issues make you more interesting.
Libra: Good things happen for you between 10:03 and 10:05 am on Friday. If you’re at the right place at the right time and you’re wearing at least one blue shoe, you’ll be a winner. No idea what you’ve won, but at least your day will be better than usual.
Scorpio: You’re not a mad scientist. You’re more of a slightly irritated third-grade science teacher, but that thing you’ve created in the basement may score you some serious supervillain cred. Practice a maniacal laugh; you’ll need it this week.
Sagittar ius: Thank your lucky stars on Sunday. No, really, get out the nice cards and hand write a heartfelt note of gratitude, because something amazing has dropped in your lap. You’ll have a silly grin all the way to the post office.
Capricorn: Inspiration has been rarer than hen’s teeth for you lately, but Monday brings a wild flock of chickens with big chompers, so get ready to either be creative or run for your life.
Aquarius: You’ll be the latest TikTok viral sensation after you accidentally put a mustache on a duck and teach it to dance the electric slide. Hey, it’s a weird world these days. Enjoy your newfound wealth and fame.
Pisces: Currently you’re on cloud 3.5, but this week will definitely float you up to cloud nine. Enjoy the view and the complimentary champagne, you deserve it.
Aries: Everyone doubted your new hobby of collecting Porta-Potties, but you get the last laugh. Now that you’ve stored them all in one place, people know that you really have your crap together.
Taurus: It’s one thing to turn the page and start a new chapter, but you’re tossing out entire shelves. Slow down, otherwise a peeved librarian will throw the book at you. She’s got good aim, too, so that sucker will hurt.
