Taurus: On Tuesday, you have a near-miss and your life flashes before your eyes. At least it was wearing a trench coat this time, but be more careful. Next time your life flashes you, it could be wearing a hot pink thong and Groucho Marx glasses.
Gemini: This week brings a rain of frogs, with intermittent showers of bullcrap. Find the witch you ticked off and make amends, before Friday’s hurricane of angry weasels shows up.
Cancer: Behind every cloud is a silver lining, and you have bills to pay. Grab a hot air balloon and some tongs, because there could be copper wiring up there, too. Watch out for lightning, or they’ll be calling you Sparky.
Leo: Opportunity knocks on Wednesday, but you’re too busy to notice. Karma kicks down your door on Thursday, so pay attention, unless you want John Wick coming through the window on Friday.
Virgo: Some days you’re filled with innocence and charm, and other days you have the demeanor of a retired drill sergeant turned elementary school lunch lady. Your loved ones should stay clear on Monday, because you’re lethal with that soup ladle.
Libra: Your life is filled with beauty, song and laughter for approximately seven minutes on Tuesday, until you break out in an allergic rash from too much happiness. Stock up on calamine lotion, because your sarcastic self will be bombarded with rainbows and unicorns over the weekend.
Scorpio: Although you’ve examined the puzzle from every angle, you can’t make all the pieces fit. Grab some glue and turn that puzzle into a sculpture of Pat Sajak on roller skates; if you can’t be perfect, be weird.
Sagittar ius: The Universe gives you what you want this weekend. Make sure to write a thank-you note, because not everyone gets Ryan Gosling delivered on their doorstep with a gourmet meal and an electric massager. You’re just special.
Capricorn: Sunday is a breath of fresh air; inhale deeply and enjoy, because the rest of the week will smell like stale beer farts and the office break room after someone microwaved leftover fish.
Aquarius: What you eat for lunch on Wednesday will decide your fate: You’ll either become a crypto billionaire, or end up making granny dresses for gophers for a “Little House on the Prairie” remake aired on gas pump screens in three states. Choose wisely.
Pisces: A doozy of an idea smacks you this week; write it down and duck, because a gonzo notion is swinging for you, and a monster inspiration is getting ready to leap in your path. The only thing creativity won’t bruise is your ego.
Aries: Sure, you’ve made mistakes, but have you ever been caught by the cops while wrestling a snapping turtle for a half-eaten Butterfinger in the ditch by the gas station? See, you’re doing better than you think.
