Zodiac
ARIES: Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug, but on Tuesday you’re the wiper, running back and forth while covered in bug guts. Don’t worry, there’s a cutie ready to share a bubble bath with you later.
TAURUS: Those who say you’re full of nonsense clearly haven’t known you for long. Show them what you’re truly made of: paralyzing worry, crushing regret and Cool Ranch Doritos.
GEMINI:
You missed the mark, but you still have Tom, Dick and Harry showing up this weekend. The gossip may sully your reputation, but it’s OK. Lots of people go through a phase where they’re part of a really bad garage band.
CANCER: Expect the unexpected from the Universe on Wednesday; it thinks it’s being clever, but the shock of all your karmic payback jumping from behind your door and yelling “Surprise!” may be too much for you to handle. At least there will be cake.
LEO: Sometimes it rains pennies from Heaven, but you’re ready for a blizzard of hundred dollar bills. Grab a helmet, because the Universe could blow in a half-dollar hailstorm. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but it does make a cool sound as it bounces off your head.
VIRGO: On Tuesday, your chickens finally come home to roost. It’s about time, too, because you sent them money for an Uber days ago. Next time, chip in for the hen party and you won’t ruffle as many feathers.
LIBRA: Putting the spark back into your relationship is a great idea, but put away the jumper cables and try something milder at first, like going out to dinner. If you still need a thrill, you can always pick up a few 9-volt batteries to lick on the way home.
SCORPIO: Monday is your lucky day! Your hair turned out perfect, you missed all the potholes on the way to work, and your boss completely forgot about that thing you did on Friday with the copier. Buy a winning lottery ticket, though, just in case he remembers again.
SAGITTARIUS: Everyone wants a handout, so it’s time to channel your inner J.J. Evans, give everyone high fives and scream “DY-NO-MITE!” They’re confused, you’re amused, and you still have plenty of money to buy that sweet “Good Times” box set.
CAPRICORN: Dancing with one who brought you is fine, but if you drive yourself, you can dance like the majestic, weird marionette that you are. Besides, no one wants to stand next to you after that breakdancing waltz combo.
AQUARIUS: Everything’s coming up roses, but you planted giant, man-eating Venus Flytraps. Take a look again at that seed packet, and maybe reflect that your battle with the HOA has gotten out of hand.
PISCES: It’s one thing to let your freak flag fly, but you took it, stretched it out, and are currently using it to sail your boat across every lake, pond and mud puddle. Go conquer it all, you crazy pirate.
