Aries: You’re not the bee’s knees, but you’re definitely the grasshopper’s thighs: You’re strong and prone to jump in unexpected directions. Make the leap into something new, but watch out for frogs, birds and oncoming traffic.
Taurus: Just your luck, the Universe has put you on hold. You may not get what you want, but at least Karma has some kick-butt hold music. Stay on the line and a cosmic customer service representative will be with you shortly.
Gemini: Tuesday makes you feel all warm and tingly inside; you could have a new love interest, or maybe those extra spicy diablo enchiladas are coming back on you. Cover both bases by investing in a tin of mints and some new underwear.
Cancer: When someone tells you to make your bed and lie in it, they didn’t expect you to immediately turn and run toward home. With DoorDash, Zoom and texting, you may never put on pants again, which will be handy with that OnlyFans account you’re planning.
Leo: Three amazing ideas pop into your head on Wednesday, but they’re promptly stomped to a pulp by three Monty Python quotes, five questions about life, and approximately 2.576 angry thoughts about your job. That’s fewer than yesterday, so things are looking up.
Virgo: You’re feeling sassy on Thursday; go ahead and dance in the produce aisle. Sure, you may get weird looks, but it’s only dangerous if you get arrested for shaking your melons at the cops.
Libra: Time heals all wounds, but only if you stop picking at them. Rehashing those bad memories is like dragging your butt across the cheese grater; it only makes you sore, cranky and afraid of accidentally sitting in lemon juice. At least you hope that puddle on the park bench is lemon juice.
Scorpio: It’s taken you a long time, but you’ve finally made your decision. You’re definitely Team Jacob, not Team Edward. Now that’s settled, it’s time to sell that 2005 Juicy tracksuit on eBay, because now it’s vintage. Kaching, baby!
Sagittar ius: Go ahead, let that inner light shine; everyone will need shades once you flash those spiritual high-beams on them. If you need extra cash, head to the seashore and whirl in circles to warn ships.
Capricorn: You don’t find inner peace this week, but you do find $5 in the couch cushions and your favorite band T-shirt under the bed. Once all your lost socks show up in the dryer, you’ll know Nirvana is just around the corner.
Aquarius: Seize the day with gusto, and Tuesday will scream then hit you with the pepper spray. Just leave a comment on the day’s Instagram account; if you’re lucky, it will reply with an odd-looking emoji and not block you.
Pisces: You’ve been more wound up than a chihuahua in a fire hydrant factory. Calm that inner Fido with treats, naps and barking at the neighbors. You may get a reputation as the neighborhood weirdo, but you’ll be so much more relaxed.
