Zodiac
Aries: Your personality lights up a room, but people only invite you over so they can find missing puzzle pieces under the sofa. Keep them in the dark, because you’re off to a bright new career as a mobile tanning salon.
Taurus: Thursday has you pondering the eternal question: Can you have your cake and eat it too? Test your theory at the local bakery; that sugar high will give you the most productive afternoon you’ve had in months.
G emi ni: Someone thinks you’re being a drama llama, but you’re actually more of a spaced-out squirrel: you’re still a ball of chaos, but you don’t spit as much. Keep focused, and you’ll eventually remember where you hid your nuts.
Cancer: This weekend, make the best of a bad situation by cutting out the rotten parts and sticking the good parts back together. Don’t use the hot glue gun, though. Your eyebrows haven’t grown back from the last time.
Leo: Not everyone wants to hear you roar like the lion you are. Try a gentle purr. Nope, that’s ominous and creepy. Go back to roaring, unless you plan to freak people out so they leave you alone all day.
Virgo: Sure, you think the world needs your great idea, but people just aren’t ready for Velcro- handled cooking utensils. However, your plan for replacing video doorbells with live gargoyles will be a hit, especially after they eat a few porch pirates. Get ready to be rich!
Libra: You’ve been jumping into danger so often, your guardian angel has taken up day drinking. Slow down and do something safe on Monday, like juggling porcupines. At least then your family won’t have to ask what’s needling you.
Scorpio: If music is the food of love, then your mixtape is worth about a half-dozen chicken nuggets. Luckily, your sweetie is waiting with hot mustard sauce and fries. Grab the antacids; even with indigestion you two still make a great combo meal.
Sagittar ius: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but don’t worry about a train, it’s just some hipster with a flashlight riding a hoverboard. Step out of the way, and you can watch him hit a pothole at full speed. That should make your day better.
Capricorn: What’s good for the goose may be good for the gander, but no one said anything about the peacock. Go ahead, flash those magnificent tail feathers. Your brilliance will have everyone talking as you sashay away.
Aquarius: You think you’re ready to get back in the saddle, but the horse has other ideas. Try something slower, like a giant tortoise. You’ll still get to your destination, and the horse has time to work on his screenplay.
Pisces: You’ve looked everywhere for peace of mind, even under the couch and behind the toilet. Focus on something else for a while, and it will turn up under your feet, tripping you like a cat in a dark hallway. Serenity is worth an occasional stubbed toe.
