Pisces: You’re always looking up, which means you’re the first to spot a rainbow, a sunset or a really cool cloud. It also means you don’t notice the dog trying to trip you as you step off the porch. Either wear a helmet, or put a bell on Spot.
Aries: Some think you’re one cool cucumber, others think you’re hot stuff, but one person knows the truth: You’re a lukewarm washcloth, hand- knitted out of damp anxiety. Thank them on Monday for not hanging you out to dry.
Taurus: Sure, your savings account is basically a handful of magic beans and a four-leaf clover, but that’s more than your neighbors have. Pool your resources and buy some vintage Pokemon cards on the Internet; investing in nerds is always a sure bet.
Gemini: Thursday looks like something the cat dragged in, but be thankful. Friday is shaping up to be what it vomited on the bathroom floor. Step lively, and hang in there, baby, until Saturday.
Cancer: Your frenemy coworker knows how to push your buttons. Beat them to the punch: Freak out before the first coffee break, and you’ll enjoy lunch amid a roomful of stunned silence followed by a smattering of applause.
Leo: Work may be electrifying, but it’s best to not grab the boss’ last two frayed nerves and see if they spark when you slap them together. Instead, smile and bring them a fresh cup of coffee. They’ll spend the day locked inside their office, wondering what you’re up to.
Virgo: You may not have all the answers, but you’ve got an incredible talent for coming up with bizarre questions. Don’t waste it annoying your family; use it to drive Alexa and Siri crazy. If a satellite crashes from frustration, you win.
Libra: The Universe constantly sends you messages, but you’re a cosmic Stormtrooper: You always miss the point. Pay attention on Saturday, or Karma will go all Darth Vader on you.
Scorpio: For most people, good fortune floats up on gossamer wings. For you, it flops up in clown shoes while wearing a joy buzzer. Shake its hand and grit your teeth, the shock will be worth it.
Sagittar ius: Find the joy in life, whether it’s making a toddler giggle, or driving your neighbors up the wall by connecting a large hose to an accordion and turning it into the world’s most annoying leaf blower. With luck, you can do both at the same time.
Capricorn: Stop with the constant self-reflection; if you stare at your belly button for too long, something will stare back. Clean out the lint, crack that back and stand up straight. Tomorrow you can work on actually going outside; by Thursday you may even be talking to other people again.
Aquarius: Life isn’t a bowl of cherries, but occasionally it can be a month-old banana hidden under the fridge. Yes, it’s mushy, gross and smells weird, but when you throw it out, you now know that you have some standards.
