Zodiac
Pisces: Every day can’t be all rainbows and lollipops; sometimes it’s unicorns, teddy bears and free pizzas, too. Enjoy the smooth ride; it’s a nice change after navigating that bumpy road for so long.
Aries: There are those who think it’s lonely at the top, but that’s because they’ve never won the Powerball within earshot of their family. Lock yourself in the bathroom before checking your ticket, otherwise you’ll see a tidal wave of relatives crashing on your personal shore.
Taurus: Feel free to dance like no one’s watching, just realize that your cat is not only judging you, but it’s also live streaming those moves on TikTok. Better chip in for the quality meow chow before kitty uploads the really embarrassing stuff.
Gemini: Your patience may be used up like a snotty tissue, but that self-respect is still new in the box. Break it out and try it on; it may feel a little odd now, but you’ll grow into it.
Cancer: Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted, but you’re savvy enough to save the receipt. Go over Karma’s head and ask for the Universal manager; you’ll score an awesome rain check for later.
Leo: Those ironclad opinions make you believe you’re on solid ground, but things get mushy up ahead. Remember all the TV shows and movies from the 1970s warning you about quicksand? On Tuesday, you’ll wish you had paid attention.
Virgo: Every cloud has a silver lining, and you’re looking for a ladder to make some fast cash. Before you make that big climb, check the couch cushions for a little extra dough. There’s enough lost TV remotes in there to make bank on eBay.
Libra: No one knows what you’re up to on Thursday. Keep them guessing and you’ll have the day all to yourself. Why dazzle them with brilliance when you can baffle them with bull chips?
Scorpio: This latest sweetie may be the apple of your eye, but they are the eggplant in someone else’s text messages. Swing by the farmer’s market and you’ll find someone a bit fresher for that perfect organic match.
Sagittar ius: You run into a new job opportunity, and another one chases you down the street on Monday. Don’t look now, but there’s also one right behind you. Keep running, or give up and just accept that dream job as a certified pillow tester.
Capricorn: There’s a secret trapped in your head, and you’re just dying to let it out. Go ahead, spill the beans on Facebook; no one will even notice if you post it with that photo of you in the bedazzled, bikini-style onesie.
Aquarius: You and your sweetie had a tiff, but don’t go to bed angry. Instead, put all of their undies in the freezer; tomorrow, they’ll wish for just a cold shoulder. Just remember to make up before they put yours in the toaster.
