Aquarius: Every rose has its thorn, but there’s a few armed with samurai swords and a grudge after the gardening incident of 2022. Try a safer hobby next time, like taming the seven-foot-tall Venus flytrap growing by the mailbox.
Pisces:
The road to success has been bumpy and rough, but don’t worry; that next pothole will catapult you to your fortune. Remember to wear your helmet, so you have an easy landing into that pile of cash.
Aries: Sure, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but think carefully before you complain to your sweetie about the quality of last night’s dinner. You could end up with a gallon of vegetable oil raining down on you and not in a fun way.
Taurus: If someone tells you that leopards can’t change their spots, they’ve never seen people dress up their cats. Make your inner kitty purr with a new outfit and outlook; you’ll be the best dressed Catwoman called into the HR meeting.
Gemini: Thursday shows up looking fine, but don’t believe their sweet talk. It’s Saturday you’re really pining for; you have a daylong date with a few beers and 36 different streaming services, so reality can wait.
Cancer: Someone’s making you jump through hoops, and it’s time to end that circus. Grab the whip and be the ringmaster for a change; they may be in the spotlight, but you’re the one running the show.
Leo: On most days you just jet ski through the haters’tears, but a few negative comments knock you off your seat this week. Hang tight, you’ll stay afloat thanks to the life preserver of your natural sarcasm.
Virgo: Usually you’re on the straight and narrow path, but Friday has you running in circles through a Crazy Straw factory. Stop and work out the kinks before someone else has to straighten you out.
Libra: You’ve set aside something for a rainy day, but no one expected ice, lava and meteors in the same week. Find out what the Universe has against you before something even weirder falls from the sky.
Scorpio: Go ahead, act on that big idea. Selling tiny wigs for turtles on your Etsy shop may only bring in tens of dollars this year, but those little bald heads will look fabulous.
Sagittar ius: Dancing like nobody’s watching feels great, but after you accidentally jitterbug across a worn extension cord, everybody whips their phone out. Not only do you spark joy, you also glow in the dark for a while afterward.
Capricorn: Enjoy the little things in life, like the blast of cold wind that makes your boss chase his own umbrella down the street, or the way his toupee gaily waves at you as he curses his fate. Ah, the simple pleasures.
